A History Of Testing

It was hot as I stepped off the plane at GSP (Greenville - Spartanburg Airport) in Greenville, South Carolina.  I had been battling rising stress and anxiety for more than two months since getting an email from Guro Fred that told me I would test for 3rd degree black belt this week.  There was a lot happening at work, and a nagging finger injury meant I couldn't lift weights or even do pushups or close my left fist for over two months, despite weekly acupuncture treatments.  The doctor suggested surgery to release the A1 flexor tendon from its sheath, but I was reluctant since the recovery time was quoted as 4-6 weeks.  I was filled with dread.  Somehow I passed, becoming only the 3rd person ever to achieve this rank (the others are KG Guillaume Foucaud and KG Vincent Dizon - who were my seniors from my very first day of KM in 2008).

KM is a complex martial art.  It is a comprehensive fighting system combining not only the sticks, blades and empty hand flow of Filipino Kali (influenced by Inayan Eskrima and Kali Sikaran), but also Indonesian/Malaysian Silat, Hakka Kuntao/Wing Chun, and even Muay Thai/Muay Boran.  Proficiency in KM includes modern boxing (derived from Filipino boxers anyway) and Panantukan (kickboxing), as well as Dumog (wrestling) and Trankada (lock flow).  Frankly, it's a lot to remember.  As well, it is interesting to note that our system is a 7th dan system as opposed to many arts which grade to 10th dan.  In a way, it means I am just under halfway through the black belt ranks. :-)

Beyond the technical details, Guro Fred Evrard has a way of making each test... worse...than the one before it.  In his words "this test is by far the hardest one I have ever conducted".  Each subsequent challenge pushes you further and further outside your comfort zone into exhaustion and beyond.  At the same time, each seemingly impossible challenge yields new insight into what you can do if you focus, dig in and LET GO.  What do I mean?

Kasama Assistant Instructor Test or "Inferiority Complex"
I took my Kasama Test in October 2011, about a year after returning to Japan from living in Singapore.  I had started KM in 2008 and wasn't able to complete my training since JPM sent me back to Japan.  At Guro Fred's insistence I was already running a weekly study group of KM on Friday nights.  Some of those students are my instructors now.

I tested, which included being made to do a large part of the De Cuerdas single stick curriculum using the full-size Filipino Kris (thanks, Guro!).  In addition, I was testing at the same time as Guro Seb Briedecker from Germany, an outstanding athlete and natural born fighter.  It's easy to be intimidated standing next to someone like that.  He moves with grace, speed and power and the techniques all look so easy when he does them.  He flows seamlessly from subsystem to subsystem and aces the test with a big smile.  I, on the other hand, am on hands and knees several times as round after round of boxing drills weaken me.  At the end, I could hardly even raise my gloves or mitts.  I passed the test, but felt ashamed at my lack of skill in comparison to someone like Guro Seb.  I left Singapore determined to get better.

The key takeaway from this test was that you cannot move like anyone else but YOU.  Keep your eyes forward on your goals and don't worry about "the other guy", especially when the other guy is a superhero like Guro Seb.

Kadua Guro 1st Degree Black Belt Test  or "Welcome to the Spotlight"
I took my Kadua Guro 1st degree black belt test in Japan in July 2013, with Guro Ben Boeglin flying in for the week to help me prepare and be my partner.  I was organizing the KM seminar at the same time, so stress was already high anyway.

This test was done in front of my wife, my students and some seminar participants and I put my comments here.  I remember very little about the test itself, except that I had to stop twice due to low blood sugar (blue lips and dizziness) before eating a banana and continuing.

Afterward we went to Pizza Strada and it was the most delicious pizza I'd ever had.  I slept like I was dead.

The pressure of testing in front of your own students, not to mention your partner, amplifies everything.  I wanted to do well, to pass for THEM just as much as for myself.  I wanted my wife to see and be proud of what I do.  I tried to fight through the exhaustion but I'm sure I looked a mess - you could easily tell how much I struggled.  I breathed a sigh of relief and prepared to start over.

The key takeaway from this test was about the importance of suppressing the ego.  I wanted to do well not just for me, but for everyone else who I thought expected this of me.  Their expectations were not MY expectations and the additional pressure made a tough test even harder.  Whatever you do, fulfill your own expectations first.

Madunong Guro 2nd Degree Black Belt Test or "Expect The Unexpected" 
In September 2015 I arrived in Singapore for ITA, with a handful of my KM Japan students in tow.  As far as I knew, I was there to support them as a coach and mentor for their Kasama testing.  It was also the first time I presented a student (Phil Gagnon) for Kadua Guro - the first one.  I showed them to Guro Fred confident they would do well - which of course they did.  I hugged Guro Fred when I arrived and he whispered in my ear "by the way, you're testing too..."  Mic Drop.

My stress-o-meter instantly shot up to about 21 (on a scale of 10).  I had NO FOREWARNING.  Zero. Zip. Nil. Nada. Nawt.  Nothing.

It was a brutal test done over the course of the full weekend.  My reflections on it here.  The lessons in there are every bit as valid for me today, as is the gratitude.

Go down swinging.

Katulong Guro - 3rd Degree Black Belt Test or "Facing Your Fear Head On"
So...here we are. Once again, Guro Fred's unique brand of "psychological warfare" was in my head for months, making me worried about my cardio, my techniques, my injuries, my jet lag and every other variable I knew I couldn't control.  Although I knew I would be testing, Guro Fred managed to give me no specific information on what exactly the testing/passing criteria would be.  For weeks I agonized about how to prepare given my finger injury, and wondering if I even had a chance of passing at all.  I resigned myself to being the first black belt to ever fail a KM test and thought about how I would explain that to the students if it happened.

The camp was MAGIC.  Throughout the week there was so much fellowship, support and compassion during the training sessions, the drives and the mealtimes.  I was surrounded by my brothers and sisters - some old and some new.  Lots of great conversations happened along the scenic drives or after the morning conditioning.  I felt among family and slept instantly, deeply every night.  Travelers Rest, SC is as the name implies, a beautiful place of beautiful souls where adventurers like us can find what we seek.

And then the technical part of the test happened on Monday (Day 3 of the camp).  I knew I was being tested from long before I ever stepped off the plane at GSP, but the main technical test (and graduation) took place during a 24-hour period that included outdoor training, a 5 meter rock jump and swimming in the lake, a knife defense seminar with Furman University and Greenville police officers, and finally KM SC class at Furman University.  A lot can happen in 24 hours.

Like the 2nd dan test, I "flipped the switch" and went into combat mode.  I tried to be in the moment and face each task, each opponent one at a time.  I did my best.  About halfway through the test I felt completely exhausted.  I tried not to show it and just told myself "one more minute...just hold on for one more minute..." for the remaining hour or so.  In the end, my goddamn stubbornness (ask anyone) and the encouragement and energy of the others allowed me to get through to the end.  I felt like I could hardly stand.  My knees were weak, but they held up.

Key takeaways from this test were similar to 2nd dan, with the addition that I really wanted to make a great example of determination and intensity, even if I failed.  I wanted the new students in KM SC especially to see that even at my age (nearly 53) I was ready to give 100% and face my fears of failure head on.

In the end, you can feel dread, anxiety, fear, stress, apprehension and anything else you choose to let enter your mind.  The moment of truth comes anyway and all you can do is face it, do your best and accept the outcome, whatever it is.

Now, back with my family in Yokohama, the aches and pains are largely gone.  What remains is total gratitude for all the support and encouragement everyone gave me - so many precious memories with my KM "Superhero" family.  Thank you all so much.  Extra special thanks for Guro Fred and Guro Lila, and to my KM Japan instructor team for believing in me.

You Raise Me Up.

 

Being Like Blake

This is Blake.  He's happy and excited.  He's getting ready for his first day of school, so he had this special t-shirt made to let everyone know his intentions.  His goal - MAKE FRIENDS!  He felt like some other kids might be anxious or nervous that they wouldn't fit in or worried that they might not make any friends at school.  So...he took the initiative by announcing to everyone that he is ready and willing to be somebody's new friend.  He's got a positive mindset and he knows the outcome before he even starts.  I don't have any doubts that he made plenty of friends that day.  I also don't have any doubts that his attitude will take him to any success he wants.  I'm so proud of Blake and his empathy and compassion.  I want to be his friend, too.

It's so important to make ourselves available for others and to let them know we are ready and willing to support them, even if they may not be exactly like us.  I also think it's important to be public about our willingness to do so, so people know they can come to us and that we will be their ally if needed.  We all feel a bit nervous in new situations, and it helps so much to have someone like Blake there to welcome us.

In an age where it seems like the world is filled with hatred, anger, violence, loneliness...while Nihilism and tribalism fuel the flames of extremism the world could use a bit more... friendship.  Tolerance.  Love.

Rather than waiting for the world to come to us, I think it's far better to get out there and make it known that we are willing and able to be part of social relationships with others.  We need to learn to be comfortable when speaking out about ourselves and our lives, and to ask for help whenever we need it - especially if we feel depressed, lonely or hopeless.  This is only possible when we believe we can be accepted for who we are without being judged.  Instead of waking up in the morning filled with worry and dread, instead we can try to be open to the possibility of the many good things that could happen - maybe even making a new friend.

I'm not naive (maybe I am, but I hope not as naive as I was on my first day of school).  I know that there are people who would take advantage of an offer of friendship or support and use it out of context.  That said, I still truly believe that if we treat other people with dignity and respect we will usually get the same or more in return.  I believe that we can disagree without hating each other.  I believe that we are all entitled to our beliefs and our happiness, at least to the extent that it doesn't hurt others or our planet.  I believe we should assume positive intent from others unless they give us a strong reason not to.

Regardless of where you live, what you do (as long as it's legal), how much money you make, your religious beliefs, your sexual orientation or gender, your past or your family background or what other people think of you... In my neighborhood, at work, in the dojo or wherever we meet, I'm happy to get a chance to meet someone new.

I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND.  I WILL GIVE YOU A CHANCE AND I HOPE YOU'LL DO THE SAME.

I want to be like Blake.

Don't you?