Behind the Wheel

When I lived in America, I used to drive every day.  Unless you live in a very urban environment a car is a necessity due to the relative lack of public transportation, especially compared to a crowded, compact country like Japan.  I haven't needed to drive since I moved here in 1991, but I do miss it sometimes.

Driving so much taught me many things, not just how to parallel park.  Driving down a road is a great metaphor for travelling through life.  You could be going to work or school or shopping.  Maybe to the hospital or over to a friend's place.  You could be in a hurry or taking your time.  Sometimes it's a car full of people singing along.  Sometimes you're by yourself.  The weather changes.  You keep going.  Sometimes you need to stop for a bit and get something to eat or take a break.  You keep going.  You could collect and analyze a variety of data about your car's performance.  Or you could just enjoy the ride.  Don't forget to pick good music.

On a long stretch of highway such as we find in Illinois, where i come from, it can feel a bit boring with hours of driving and not much to see except cornfields.  Sometimes it can feel like you're hardly making progress at all, especially when driving at night.  You're moving, even if you're not always fully aware of it.  Try not to get sleepy.  In life, too, it's important to stay alert.

For people who don't drive, they may imagine the car can auto-pilot.  You just point it straight and hit the gas, right?  Wrong.  Every driver knows that even if the outward appearance is that you're going straight, cars don't actually go exactly straight.  Going straight in a car is a series of minor corrections from side to side that occur all the time.  A good driver is perceptive and keeps their arms relaxed in order to adjust to the surface of the road, which is never truly flat or straight.  Over a long distance to a casual observer these corrections become imperceptible and the car appears to go straight - straight enough, anyway.

Our lives are very much like this.  To outsiders it may appear that we follow a direct, easy path to success.  It may even seem like we could do so on "autopilot" and just take our hands off the wheel and relax.  Not so.  Much happens in our everyday lives that requires our vigilance and attention.  We have to remain focused to keep going in the right direction and to avoid crashing.  When we fail to make micro-adjustments we put the car at risk and need bigger adjustments later on, which often lead to panic.  It goes without saying we can never be asleep at the wheel.  In some places, the roads are rougher, narrower, loaded with twists and turns, slippery, crowded, unfamiliar.  Even more care is needed in these situations.  This makes the occasional long stretch of open highway even more enjoyable, doesn't it?

Driving a car is the same process for everyone, and even if you have some disabilities you may be able to drive by yourself just as I did.  Rich and poor people may drive different vehicles, but the process is the same. Some people may be better at it than others, but the process is basically the same, and experience helps a lot.

Success, then, is based on setting a proper course that leads to the desired destination.  It involves staying focused and controlling the speed and direction, as well as making the micro-adjustments needed to stay in the lane.  Safety for yourself and your passengers is key.  You get the idea.

Also, I recommend good music.  It makes any drive better.

The Love Bug

Well, I'm 53 now.  I tried to find an image that would represent how I feel turning the calendar into another year.  Herbie the Love Bug (from my birth era) seemed perfect.  This birthday really made me feel loved, and I feel love in return.  Like Herbie, I am part of a great adventure, mostly comedy, backed by a good soundtrack.  There have been occasional breakdowns and plot twists but (hopefully) I'll finish with an inspiring ending.  Herbie taught me that life is a race, but you can have a lot of fun and laughs along the way.

This year has sure had plenty of challenges for me, like any good adventure.  Some highlights include:

• Selling my Las Vegas house - now I have no physical assets in the US
• First-time travel to some exotic destinations including Prague and Madrid
• A well-deserved family vacation to Pranburi, Pak Nam Pran in Thailand
• First time to be published in a book...thanks to John Ng for including me in "Lead the New Asia"
• Passing my third-degree black belt test in Kali Majapahit in South Carolina
• First time as a political activist (marching against family separation in US)
• First visit to Toronto/greater Ontario to see prospective universities for George (hard to imagine he will wish me happy birthday next year via Skype)

Our Kali Majapahit Group in Japan continues to grow and thrive. Nothing makes me happier than introducing this amazing art to new people.  I hope it will be what they are looking for, and open their eyes to new possibilities for physical, mental and spiritual health.  I will continue to do my best.

I have become increasingly more open about my childhood journey into foster care, my struggle with ADHD and overcoming the feelings of inferiority and anger.  I hid this part of me for more than 30 years due to shame, but now I embrace it as a means to share the importance of mental health and to try to help others who may have had similar experiences.  Compassion and empathy pave the way to understanding, acceptance and growth for all of us.

Politically I grow more and more distant form the US every day.  We have been going down a dark path and the current construct has eroded our system of checks and balances, allowing corruption to run rampant and fueling white supremacy and hatred across the country.  Selfishness and isolation seem to be the new normal. I keep hoping that we will come together again as Americans and stand for more ethical and moral choices in how we treat ourselves and each other.  I keep hoping we will keep our place as a relevant global leader helping point the world toward the future.  Somehow, it's just not happening and I see my country sinking deeper and deeper, falling behind our peers... we are relinquishing our place as a beacon for freedom and leaving the future to...China and Russia.  More than ever, I think about giving up my US passport in favor of Japanese nationality.  I don't want to give up on my country and what it stands for ("One nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all...") but I just can't see light at the end of this dark tunnel.  It's not just Trump.  It's what he unleashes in the hearts of everyone else - the darkest elements of our natures manifest in a policy of lies and hatred.  The difference was starkly reinforced when I visited Canada a few weeks ago.  As my son quipped, "Canada is what America would be like if it worked." Ouch.

Professionally, I have learned a tremendous amount in the past two years at Microsoft Japan as a customer success manager.  Advising customers on how to succeed their digital transformations using Dynamics 365 across sales, service and marketing has challenged me to re-think my views on innovation and corporate culture.  I hope I can use these new skills to help more customers get more value from these investments.  I have renewed interest in design thinking, especially as a discipline for personal change, and intend to focus on this for the coming few years.  I'm grateful to Microsoft for this opportunity and for being brave enough to challenge the status quo - even internally.  GROWTH MINDSET.

Lastly, on my birthday with so many messages from so many people around the world in the various circles I touch, I am humbled and grateful.  Everyone is so busy every day and the idea that they would think of me, even for a split second, and wish me well makes me truly happy.  In the end, we all want to be part of something, to belong, to...MATTER.  We want to make our way through this human experience believing that we made a difference and that the world is better for us having been in it.  The greatest gift I received was from all of you who have made me feel special and important.  I treasure this feeling.  THANK YOU. 

It's No Joke

***  SPOILER ALERT ***

I walked out of the theater, hands shaking, tears streaming down my cheeks.  I made it to the restroom down the hall before I broke down crying completely, my body heaving and my stomach twisting into knots.  I felt sick, like I was going to throw up all the memories this movie brought back.  Walking home the hour or so it took from the theater has helped but not enough.  I need to write.

I was crying for the main character, Arthur Fleck, but also for myself.
I was crying for the millions of children who have been abused, and for the broken families that have caused everyone so much pain and suffering.
I was crying for the endless numbers of social workers, therapists, foster parents, counselors, spouses and children of We, the abused, who have tried so hard to heal and comfort us.
I was crying for so many people I know who also suffer from mental illness, especially men, and who are unable to get help or talk about it.
I was crying because I realized that it could just as easily have been me...

This movie has already caused some extreme reactions. Personally, I think Joaquin Phoenix did a fantastic and unapologetic job chronicling the character's disintegration into madness.  He is a very talented actor.

As an abused/neglected child, a handicapped child (ADHD, Amblyopia), a foster child, a participant in the Illinois State mental health system for 17 years, a patient of Ritalin, Adderall and other medications as a child, and having spent decades reading, studying and applying psychology I feel qualified to give my opinion on what I experienced watching this movie, as well as my observations and reactions to it.

Walking Away, Turning Away or Ignoring the Issue of Mental Health is Destroying Our Society
The protagonist in this story, Arthur Fleck, is an adult who was adopted and severely abused as a child.  He suffers from PBA, a severe mental illness which causes uncontrollable laughing due to stress or anxiety.  The backstory allows for the fact that this could be a result of his physical abuse/head trauma or a variety of other factors.  As someone who has lived with mental illness and childhood trauma, I can say that it may also just be an exaggerated form of defensive coping mechanism.  All of us have them, and many children develop such extreme coping mechanisms to try to deal with the emotional or physical traumas they have experienced.  Stuttering is another common example, as are facial tics and other similar nervous disorders.  My coping mechanisms include biting my fingernails but also my dark, sarcastic gallows humor which sometimes shocks and hurts people close to me.

Sadly, society's reaction to those of us who do not have "normal" upbringings is anything but kind.  Despite suffering childhood abuse, many of us are then bullied in school as well.  I endured 10 years of schoolyard bullying (including broken bones and hospital visits) until my martial arts training allowed me to stand up for myself.  Despite "best intentions", teachers, parents and other guardians are not protective enough of special needs children and we are usually treated as "freaks" or "outcasts" and subject to further abuse.  Being sent to my caseworker every week made the situation worse, since I was picked up by a driver from the playground during lunch recess, in front of the whole school, further confirming that I was different and leading to widespread rumors that I was being "experimented on", that I was "crazy", and so on.

Mental illness is a silent killer.  Most of us are made to feel ashamed of ourselves for having it, and are discouraged from talking about it.  Most of us wouldn't even know how.  We lack the communication skills and support to begin to unravel what has happened to us, and the system provides almost no care for us or our families.  For men especially, we are taught not to cry, told to "man up" and never given a chance to deal with the child inside of us who has been hurt so badly.  Since that child never heals, neither can we.

I think many people were so deeply disturbed by this movie since our modern society has so many broken families, so many single-parent families, so many kids in Child Protective Services (adopted, foster or group homes).  So many of us have experienced the loneliness and isolation that Arthur endures that it resonates with us.  If not ourselves directly, then others we have known from our extended families, school, work, etc.  In my case, over the years I have been approached for help and support by literally dozens of people suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, stress, harassment...it's ironic given how greatly I have suffered from all of those myself.

The developers of the FBI VICAP program, Bob Ressler and John Douglas (source of TV's "Mindhunter", wrote excellent books on their many interviews with serial killers, all of whom had a single trait in common --- broken homes.  Of course, this does not mean that every child from a broken home is destined to be a serial killer, but it does strongly suggest that dysfunctional families contribute to dysfunctional kids who then grow up to become dysfunctional adults, and so on...

It Starts at Home
In the movie, Arthur is adopted by Penny Fleck, who has been hospitalized for severe mental illness.  She allowed him to be abused by her boyfriends and kept him believing a delusion about his origin. When the truth was finally revealed, this was very traumatic and a trigger for Arthur's further breakdown.

In an ironic way, I was fortunate to have been a foster child.  Since my name differed from my foster parents', Charles and Dorothy Leonard, I always knew I was not their real child.  They were open and honest with me about my foster situation and never adopted me.  One of my best friends was shocked one day in middle school to discover that he was actually adopted and was devastated by the news.  I think that was much worse since he felt completely betrayed by his adoptive parents for never telling him.

In my case, my birth mother was adopted herself and came from a home where her mother neglected and emotionally abused her.  My birth father was abused physically and mentally by his own alcoholic father and, in turn, was an alcoholic and heroin addict before I was born.  My birth mother describes the events surrounding my birth and placement into foster care in her memoirs.

I personally believe that broken families/both parents working causes instability which can start children on the wrong paths from an early age.  Babysitting kids with devices/TV to pacify them rather than engaging them in conversation, playing together, and bonding can inhibit children from feeling safe, secure and belonging at home.

Parents who suffer from mental illness need to have resources available not just for their own sake, but for the sake of their children. 

Communication is KEY
Human beings are social creatures.  We are hard wired to be with each other and to share and collaborate.  Especially as it relates to mental illness and physical/emotional/sexual abuse, without communication tools and venues to safely express what is happening these wounds fester and become more toxic.  Many children are afraid to talk about what has happened to them, and even as adults lack the capability to express their feelings.  Fortunately, good work by many social leaders such as Jason Wilson provides opportunities for young men to have good, strong role models and for their fathers to open up and finally start working through their own emotions.  They need much more support and we need them everywhere - for men and women too.

We all just want to be Accepted
People who have mental illnesses are usually treated as outcasts.  Because mental illness is hardly considered an "illness" by society at large, there is little or no sympathy for people who have it.  In "Joker", Arthur suffers from mental illnesses including PBA but also depression, hallucination and others.  He even carries a card to let other people know when he is having a PBA episode.  No one cares.  In fact, he is shunned by one woman on the bus and attacked by three men on the subway (whom he then subsequently shoots) just for having an incident/seizure.  Arthur dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian.  He repeats his mother's phrase "I was put here to make people laugh and be happy".  More than anything, like most of us, Arthur just wants to be accepted.  He hallucinates being accepted and desired by the woman he sees in the elevator.  He imagines himself on stage making people laugh.  For those of us who suffer abuse and who have mental illness, what we really want is not pity or mercy.  We just want to be treated like everyone else.

I was born premature and as such always smaller and weaker than everyone in my classes.  My poor eyesight didn't help.  I was always picked last for sports in PE if I was picked at all.  Time and again I was the laughingstock of the class.  As a loner and outcast I found solace in my books.  In the subjects I liked such as monsters (especially vampires and ghosts), sharks, military history and mythology I read every single book we had in the school library throughout elementary, middle and high school.  By the time I graduated high school I was mostly done with everything in our town's public library as well.  In the end it wasn't enough.  I just wanted my parents to be proud of me.  I wanted friends.  I wanted a girlfriend.  I wanted all the things I thought I could never have.

A Series of little triggers often leads to a Breakdown
In the movie we watch Arthur painfully experience setback after setback.  Finally, learning that his mother lied to him, he snaps.  In Ressler/Douglas' research into serial killers, they found that there are often a series of stressful events that lead to escalations in behavior prior to a significant act (rape or murder).  The pressure builds and builds until finally, the person snaps.  Unfortunately these stressors are almost always discovered in retrospect, which is too late for the victims.  It is important to know when these smaller triggers happen and to be aware of the accumulating effect they can have.  This can allow us to seek help (if available) before spiraling downward.  Everyone has a breaking point, and the earlier we become aware the better we can be at seeking help and avoiding disaster.

We need to remember Love, Compassion and Empathy
Most of us are filled with rage and anger over what happened to us.  We seek, in vain, for some logical/rational reason why we had to go through the things we did.  In the end, there is often no way to make sense of our trauma.  It's just what happened.

For more than thirty years I was consumed by anger.  I was angry at myself for not being worth keeping.  I was angry at my birth parents for getting divorced and giving me away.  I was angry at my foster parents for not understanding why I hurt so much inside.  I was angry at society for not having compassion or support.  In the end, I was freed by having good teachers who led me through meditation, Shinto and Zen Buddhism, to recognizing the need to surrender to my circumstance and dedicate myself to the light - to connecting to others with love, compassion and empathy.  I still struggle, but I continue to try to do more good than harm.  The next stage of my journey in acceptance is to become unafraid to advocate for myself and for others like me.  I'm working on it.

As TV talk show host Ellen DeGeneres recently quoted, "When I say "be kind to one another", I don't mean only the people that think the same way that you do. I mean BE KIND TO EVERYONE".  The importance of love, compassion and empathy, especially for those who are different from us, cannot be overstated.

We all think about Suicide Sometimes - The Demons Never Really Go Away
In the movie, Arthur fantasizes about shooting himself in front of an audience during his favorite TV talk show.  As a survivor of attempted suicide I can say that it is often deeply misunderstood.  Society views these actions as desperate cries for help from people who want to be saved.  In fact, it is often an attempt to find peace; to escape and free ourselves from situations and feelings that we do not understand and cannot express.  Death would have been a welcome relief from the constant torment of struggling with my demons and insecurities.

After many years of help and support, surrounded by the love of my family, friends and colleagues it has gotten much, much better.  However, the feelings never really go away.  From time to time I look at the train tracks and imagine being free of all the stress, pressure and anxiety.  I imagine being able to finally rest and quiet the voices in my head that have punished me for so long.

The difference is now I know how to respond.  I know those voices can echo and fade away without my having to answer them.  I know that the world is, for now, better with me in it.  I know that there is still some positive change that I can be part of, and for that reason I must go on.  I developed better tools and skills and those have helped me to not give in to those bad thoughts any more.

We owe no one any Apology
For most of my life I felt ashamed of what had happened to me.  I felt so inferior to everyone who had a "real" family and who had Sunday dinners with everyone around the table.  I felt like I had to apologize for the crime of...what?  Of being born??  I didn't want to talk about it to anyone, especially not to my caseworkers or therapists.  The truth is there was no academic way to understand what happened.  Either you had been through it, or been through worse, or you hadn't.
If you hadn't, there wasn't any point in trying to explain it to you.

Now, as an adult, I no longer feel the desperate need to be understood by someone else, not even to understand it myself.  It's just what happened.  I have respect and fellowship with other survivors but I don't expect anyone else to be able to know what my journey has been like just as I can never truly know theirs.

I deliberately hid my disabilities even though I could have qualified for handicapped parking, had handicapped benefits, and so on.  I refused because I always felt it would turn me into a weak and helpless victim.  A lifetime of martial arts training has made me feel at least as capable as anyone else and I always believed there were others who needed those benefits far more than I did.  I was afraid of the stigma attached to the "handicapped" label.  I fear we are still a long way from accepting people with disabilities , especially mental disabilities.

I think it is important to note that sometimes we are like passengers on a sinking ship - feeling trapped and helpless to stop events from happening.  We wish we could act differently or avoid saying or doing hurtful things but we can't.  This is especially true of children who have ADHD/ADD, Asperger's or autism.  We wish we could do what you ask of us, but sometimes we just can't.  It hurts us, too.

In the end, I owe no one any apology for who I am or how I turned out.  I never chose to have those things happen to me and have done my very best despite the situation.  I take full and complete responsibility for the good and bad things I have done and I'm deeply grateful to everyone who has stuck with me.  I know it hasn't been easy because I can be a very difficult person.

Forgiving Others Frees Us To Forgive Ourselves
I was filled with so much anger for so many years.  I think I only really began to overcome it when I got married and once my son George was born.  With my wife's love and support I was able to meet my birth mother and start the painful process of forgiveness.  I had to.  Unless I forgave her for putting me into foster care I could never let go of all that anger.  Unless I forgave her I could never forgive myself.  In the end, both of us found redemption and are now in regular, friendly contact.  My story has a happy ending.  Most stories don't.  The world is cruel and harsh sometimes and there seems to be no room for mistakes nor for patience or forgiveness when mistakes inevitably happen.  My birth mother was brave and selfless to give me up so that I could have a better chance at life.  It took me more than 30 years to understand that and accept her sacrifice.  Seeing her point of view became the cornerstone of our mutual forgiveness.

Take Your Meds
In the movie, Arthur loses access to his medications and therapy support due to funding cuts.  This exacerbates his situation and is a contributing factor in his eventual meltdown.  There are two broad schools of thought on this topic - behavioral and chemical.  One camp would have us believe that therapy is a panacea for treating mental illness.  The other camp believe that we can be largely treated by addressing imbalances in our brain chemistry.  Ritalin flattened out my mood swings, so much so that I felt trapped in my own body and shuffled through school like a zombie.  It robbed me of any joy of living and made me beg my foster parents to get me off of it.  I had nervous tics, trouble sleeping and almost no appetite.  But hey, no ADHD, right?

I think proper treatment is a hybrid approach.  I accept that some medications, in appropriate doses, can improve the conditions of many mental illnesses.  I also encourage people to keep taking their meds and to be very open and transparent with care providers regarding dosage and side effects to achieve the right balance.  At the same time, therapy can do tremendous good even just by providing a safe place to talk about thoughts and feelings or to learn better tools and skills to express ourselves.

The movie reminded me how woefully inadequate our mental health care system is around the world, especially in Japan.  Broader comments about US healthcare costs aside, there are too few professionals, too many patients and too little funding to provide even a fraction of the care society needs.  Too many people fall through the cracks in the system and end up having their conditions worsen because they cannot afford treatment or counseling.  Japan is famously sparse in this regard.  Most of the workers in this field are heroes.  They try to do too much with too little and go above and beyond to try and make a difference in our lives.  I am so grateful to everyone who has tried so hard to help me heal.

For children, the lack of suitable adoption facilities, foster care and group homes means that most of these kids will never get a chance to experience a "real" family's love and support.  It's more tragic and heartbreaking than I can imagine.  I was so lucky to have gotten the care and family I got.  It wasn't perfect, but it was so much more than most other state kids had.  I knew many stories of kids who were severely abused in group or in adoptive or foster care, moved from place to place literally a dozen times growing up.  Many of those kids had severe developmental/learning disabilities as a a result, and were at much higher risk of addiction, gang affiliation or suicide.  My life was not easy, but I was incredibly fortunate.

Mental Illness does not mean Violence
The movie seems to suggest that mental illness degrades into violence.  I think it is true that many of us who have been abused have a fascination with weapons or violence.  It is often a defense mechanism for dealing with the vulnerability we feel for having been betrayed and abused by the adults who were supposed to protect us.  Most people who cope with mental illness are not violent at all, and could certainly use a bit more love, compassion and empathy.

Dogs are Natural Healers
My life has been improved by a lot of factors, among them our wonderful pugs, Butch and Xie Xie.  Dogs are truly amazing creatures with unmatched healing energy.  I wish I had known about this earlier, I would have always had a therapy dog by my side. Now after 9 years with ours, I never want to be without dogs in my life.

Guns are a Real and Serious Problem
Arthur gets given a gun from Randall at work after he gets jumped and mugged by a bunch of teens.  He later uses this same .38 caliber snub nose revolver to shoot 4 other people to death, including TV talk show host Murray Franklin.  While some may argue it was justified self-defense in shooting the three men on the subway, the sad part is that access to a gun facilitated his ability to kill those people.  Could he have stabbed them all or hit them with a brick or driven a car into them?  Maybe.  However, bear in mind that despite having severe mental illness he could have gotten that revolver or something much deadlier in nearly any state in America.  Yes, guns don't kill, people do.  However, providing ease of access to people who are potentially mentally ill puts society at high risk.  Guns, especially high capacity semi-automatics, make it far too easy/too convenient to kill people over any minor infraction or the impression of such.  I had a firearms license in Illinois when I lived in America and I was very highly trained in the safe use of a wide variety of pistols, rifles and shotguns.  I would gladly give up my second amendment rights if it would help keep even one innocent person from being shot.  Guns allow marginalized, angry people to vent their anger and hostility too easily at innocent bystanders.

In summary, this is a difficult, important film.  Not easy to watch, and not easy to write about.  Please support better mental health care for all.  Please help kids as much as you can.  Please be an ALLY.

Thank you.

LDVs

The above picture is one of many variations on a theme which all illustrate the same important concept, namely, that "spontaneous success" is anything but spontaneous.  It is the result of tireless, often frustrating effort, focused on a goal.  As we watch the Rugby World Cup in Japan and prepare for the upcoming Olympics we are inspired by the athletes on the podium.  We love and respect their achievements and envy their great success.  It's entirely possible that they envy our freedom.  Instead of being able to watch Netflix, go out with friends, sleep in and so on they are at training.  Every waking moment is focused on achieving their goal.  Even then, the path is full of injury, disappointment, setback --- suffering.

It's easy to imagine these champions as Gods, larger than life and certainly larger than us.  In fact, despite some innate talent or good genes, almost all of them started as ordinary people.  People just like us.  Whether it is their skill at football, fencing or gymnastics these skills were developed over long hours of practice with diligent coaches.  Competing at such an elite level involves micromanagement of every facet of their lives from sleep to diet to exercise - every minute of every day carefully controlled to help deliver the optimal result.

I am a huge believer in the power of habits.  Habits can facilitate goal achievement just as easily as they can destroy effort.  By establishing positive habits, especially those involving time management, I believe we are all able to achieve our goals and reach our personal definition of success.  Just like the theory of time value of money which we are taught in finance, the power of compounding over time yields tremendous wealth.  In our personal lives, the compounding of effort and habit, over time, brings enormous benefit that is impossible to measure day by day.

Our lives are punctuated by moments of extremes.  We have many exceptional moments when we win a sports match, graduate school, get married, have children (and see success repeated for them).  These great joys give our lives meaning and purpose.  We also experience moments of great hardship and loss, with many setbacks that can seem insurmountable.  In these moments we discover our strength and fortitude and  truly recognize the support of those who believe in us.  We recover.  We overcome.

The danger is not in these moments, I think, but in the other 99% of our lives.  The time in-between these big events.  The "boring" every day that we go to work and pay our bills.  How do we keep motivated in the 99% of our lives??

I believe good habit-forming is founded on reinforcing good behaviors every day.  For me, this means finding "micro-goals" which accumulate to become little daily victories (LDVs).

Honestly, some days it is a big victory just to get out of bed and go to work.  I encourage small, quiet celebration/affirmation of these LDVs whenever possible.  Even if it is just a mental praise of oneself saying "well done!" it helps to establish a positive reinforcement of good behavior.  Rewarding good behaviors rather than punishing bad behaviors is the key to successful goal setting and achievement.  Our monkey minds need to be regularly convinced by evidence of correctness to keep believing in ourselves.

Even as leaders, I think it is far better to catch employees doing something right than it is to micromanage them looking for something to criticize or correct.  In the end, a positive culture will always outperform a negative one.

In the martial arts context, there are always a million reasons to miss class or skip training outside of the dojo.  You deserve praise (especially self-praise) when you overcome your distractions, your laziness, your complacency and just go to class despite any aches and pains or work overtime that may be on your mind.

Every day we can find something, even small, worthy of celebration.  Every day we can make a decision, even a minor one, that aligns with our goals and moves us a little closer to them.  Every day we can discover a way of connecting to those around us, which enhances our value and helps us feel part of the bigger picture.  Success is not always a home run hit.  Sometimes it is just showing up to practice day after day until the home run comes (and it will).

Keep believing.  Keep celebrating.  Find your LDVs.

See you at class.

THE CEO

Being the CEO, the Chief Executive Officer, is a title that many business people aspire to achieve.  It represents the pinnacle of success, where YOU are the one calling the shots.  You have absolute POWER.  You set the direction, you determine the strategy.  You motivate.  You inspire.  It's The Kwon: love, respect, community and the dollars, too!

We imagine that being the CEO is the easiest job in the world.  In complete control, everyone does whatever we ask, and would do anything to get our approval and recognition.  The CEO flies in a private jet, dines in Michelin-starred restaurants, wears $10,000 suits and drinks Cristal like Perrier.  The CEO has "big conversations" on the golf course with other CEOs at the "Successful People Country Club" where everyone nods approval at every lifestyle choice.

Well, there's some good news and some bad news.

First, the bad news.  Being CEO is probably the toughest job there is.  The CEO is the public face of the company.  The one to blame for every wrongdoing.  Rather than being in absolute control, the CEO is beholden to the board of directors, who (should), in relentless pursuit of goals that magnify shareholder value and returns, drive the CEO to seek greater and greater achievement for the company.  The CEO is under the microscope constantly, his/her every move is scrutinized by the board, the employees, their peers/competitors, their customers and the media.  For listed companies, the brutal truth is reflected daily in the swings of their stock price (or their cost of borrowing/issuing bonds) and is seen and analyzed by millions.  Sure, there can be a lot of money involved, but many companies also explicitly or implicitly require the CEO to tie his/her personal fortune to the company's success - meaning failure can lead to financial as well as reputational ruin.

Most people experience a majority of their stress from their job.  In the case of the CEO, this is magnified to almost intolerable levels.  It's certainly a 24/7/365 commitment that is not to be undertaken lightly.  Most of us are afraid of the big risk of (public) failure that comes with being a CEO.  We think we could do better (maybe we could) but we are afraid to try.  In the end, most of us end our careers without ever knowing the answer.

CEOs are reliant on strong management teams that help refine and execute the strategy, since delivery is the key to results.  Good CEOs are careful not to just pick "Yes Men" but to surround themselves with ethical, critical thinkers that can add value to the vision, help identify strategic opportunity, and embody the corporate culture.  In business, like attracts like, and CEOs often develop management teams that embody both the best and worst of their own dynamic personalities.  Good CEOs have some important attributes.  Here's a simple list... Here's another.

The Good News.  We ARE the CEO of our own life (and we can never be fired!).

As CEO, like the picture shows, we have authority to make key decisions.  We also have the authority to hire, fire and promote our personal "management team" which are the cast that support us in realizing our visions and goals.  In context, it means that we have the authority, nay the RESPONSIBILITY, to surround ourselves with positive people that encourage our growth and achievement rather than negative people who constantly bring us down and limit our progress.  We can and must shuffle as needed to create and maintain the best mix of people in our circles.  When we treat those around us poorly, we can expect them to "quit" or at least to stop being invested in our success.

Like attracts like, so as good CEOs, we must keep ourselves energized and hold ourselves to the highest ethical standards so we can attract others who will do the same.  We must remain fully invested in our own outcomes, which forces us to take responsibility for refining our vision and executing against it.  CEOs are stewards of their corporate culture, and likewise we are stewards of our personal "brand" and what that will mean to those around us.  This underscores why integrity is so important for success.  Good CEOs are both mentors to others and are mentored by others, always open and willing to learn and get advice from anyone who can give productive insight.

In my case, I have been very fortunate to have a team of instructors with tremendous caliber personally and professionally.  In addition to being excellent martial artists and instructors, they are extraordinary people.  Each one has faced and overcome many challenges to drive their lives forward.  They motivate and inspire me, and are never afraid to call me out when I make mistakes.  We could never have the elite community in KM Japan that we have without their support.  I am blessed and filled with gratitude.  I'm lucky, and so are our KM Japan students.

I like the idea of running my life like a CEO.  It forces me to have a mission statement, a brand and a strategy.  It forces me to think about my values and beliefs and to make deliberate plans to execute and deliver on my life objectives.  It helps me remember to seek out contributors and service my ecosystem - the many people who are in my extended network and who care about me.  It keeps me focused on my customers --- MY STUDENTS and how to do the best for them every day.

I encourage you to become the CEO of your own life - it will be the best "job" you ever have!

Secret Techniques

There are LOTS of "secret techniques" in martial arts.  Stretching from dim mak in Chinese traditions to secret Ninjutsu to secret footwork of Wing Chun and sword drawing of Yagyu Shinkage and so on, and so on.  Everyone, it seems, is looking for a shortcut, surefire way to victory.  Saturday morning chop-socky Kung Fu movies almost all included some secret technique the master would show the student "when he was ready".  So much so that Tarantino even included it in his homage movies Kill Bill 1 & 2 as "The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique". 

First of all, the fact that all of these so-called "secret" techniques were found using Google (no secret) in seconds, I guess they are a little too accessible to be secret.  That being said, there is value in considering the idea of a shortcut, surefire way to victory.

At its simplest, we could define military strategy as "kill more of them first" and for thousands of years that seemed to be the case.  New technology enabled us to kill others at a much faster pace and attrition was the principle way to win battles and, ultimately, wars.  This is exemplified by the Battle of the Somme in WWI, where withering machine gun fire raked No Man's Land, mowing down wave after wave of ineffective infantry charges.  Of course, the use of atomic bombs on Japan shows the zenith, at least for now, of man's use of technology to kill other men.

Modern warfare is different, however.  The goals are no longer to kill as many enemy troops as possible.  Instead, we disrupt infrastructure/communications.  We destroy the enemy's economic outputs.  We deny them access to war supplies.  We weaken their public support and will to fight.  All of these so-called "non-military" actions support, enhance and facilitate actual combat, sometimes making it almost unnecessary.  The British conflict in the Falkland Islands or the US involvement in Panama are only two examples.

In martial arts, too, there are varying degrees of fighting strategy.  Very simply, my objective can be to punch or kick my opponent into unconsciousness, as is the goal of boxing, Muay Thai and other pugilistic arts.  in Judo or Jiu Jitsu, my goal is submission or making the opponent give up for fear of joint injury or being choked/strangled unconscious.  MMA combines striking and grappling to allow more ways to render your opponent unable to continue.

Some styles emphasize specific targeting like low kicking, in an effort to win by taking away the opponent's mobility - if they can't stand they can't fight.  Still others like Kyusho Jitsu try to target acupuncture points to disrupt or "short circuit" the body's electrical system (Dim Mak is also related to this).

As we become more mature in our study, we often look to efficiency in our expression of martial arts.  This can mean a single movement that attacks on multiple dimensions or sets up multiple follow-ups.  It can also mean the use of space, timing, distance and environment to give advantage.  Furthermore, it can mean using the structure and limitations of the opponent's body to weaken their ability to resist.  In this way, we aren't attacking the person as much as we are attacking their posture, balance and structure.  Having done so, they become easier to control.  High level Aikido is known for this, as are some more esoteric Chinese traditions.

Ethically and morally (and legally) speaking, I am opposed to causing injuring to people unless there is simply no alternative.  I have no issue using pain compliance, and of course pain and injury are related but not the same.

Like many things in life, it is very important to know your objective before you determine the various options available to achieve it.  In martial arts this requires some soul-searching to realize what kind of person we are and how to express that through our art.  Self-defense should be a goal of any practical martial arts system, but excessive force is ego, and that is worth reflection, too.

I suppose the secret is really that there are no secrets.

Vietnam

George "Tim" Akins was one of the greatest men I ever knew.  He was my foster brother, older than me by 20 years.  Tim was the only son of my foster mother, Dorothy Leonard, and he grew up in Villa Park, IL. just like I did.  He went to my high school, Willowbrook HS, 20 years before I did.  By the time I came onto the scene he was already back from Vietnam and married, living first in Maywood and later in West Chicago.

Tim was a true Renaissance Man.  Self taught on a broad array of instruments including guitar, banjo, and harmonica, he played football in high school and was an Eagle scout, the highest possible rank.  He trained as a mechanical engineer and architect, even starting his own computer consulting business in the early 80s before ultimately becoming business manager of District 303 public schools in St Charles.  Tim wasn't drafted.  He volunteered and served with honor in the USMC as a radio operator, enduring many hardships in Vietnam including rocket attacks and nearly being overrun at Da Nang during the Tet Offensive in 1968.  He even took liberty in Tokyo, where I would later live most of my life.  We both got a kick out of that.  Beyond just being a warrior, Tim was a kind and gentle man.  He was a loving husband and father, and the best big brother anyone could ever hope for.  He knew everything I wish I knew.

When my foster dad retired and took my foster mom away from Chicago to live in the milder climate of Reno, NV, she tasked Tim to look after me, which he did with great care and concern.  He always had a place for me at his table and good advice from his vast knowledge and life experience.  He was the father I always wished I could have had.  I could listen to him for hours and I learned something whenever he spoke.

After I graduated from college in 1992, I lived on his screened back porch for a summer, spending my days lost among the many books in his vast collection and enjoying long, cool evenings listening to him play his folk guitar and harmonica.  In January 1993 I was back in Japan, this time for good.  After my oldest son, George, was born (and named after him), he used to say "The Georges" in our family were all "destined for greatness" and list up all the many things he was planning to teach his nephew once he retired and moved further west to a farm he was planning to buy.  It never happened.

One day in 2007 as he shaved and got ready for work he had a massive stroke, followed by several heart attacks that were finally more than he could bear.  He never woke up.  By the time I got to Chicago he was already gone.  He died far too young at only 61 years old.  Several hundred people attended his funeral from the school district, VFW, bowling league, folk music club and so on,  a testament to his far-reaching positive impact in so many peoples' lives.  He is buried near his home in West Chicago.  I was devastated.  I still am.

Tim used to say sometimes, "what are they gonna do, send me back to Vietnam?" meaning that the worst that could ever happen would have been trivial compared to what he had to go through in war as a marine.  It was many years before he was public about his service, ultimately marching in VFW parades and for POW MIA support with other veterans.  I hope he finally found peace and forgave our country for not honoring him the way they had our relatives who fought in WW2 and in Korea.  He deserved better but never complained.

Day by day we all face our challenges.  We struggle at work and school, we worry about our relationships and our bank accounts.  It's a seemingly never-ending battle to get ahead in this tough world.  Tim's words always ring true for me.  I think about the hardest challenges I've ever faced - trying for 10 years to get to Japan; working full-time while going to college full-time trying to get my education; setting up my life in a new country with a new language and culture; my wife's battle with cancer; losing my foster parents.  Truth be told, nothing could ever hurt worse than losing Tim, my guiding light.

It's been 12 years since you left, but I hope you will never stop being my guardian angel.  I miss you Big Brother.

Journeys

This is an excerpt from Adam Driver's TED Talk called "My Journey from Marine to Actor" (full video here).  I was hypnotized by how articulate, engaging and thoughtful he is.  Nearly all of my family (foster and biological) served in the military including my birth father (USMC), foster father (USAAF), foster brother (Army), foster brother (USMC) and so on and so on.  Many of my close friends from high school served as well, and I regret not having been able to join them.

I am probably the first male member of my family since the US Civil war to not serve our country.  That said, much of what Mr. Driver said resonates with me deeply.

Like Mr. Driver, I grew up in the Midwest and struggled hard to find my purpose.  I failed many times along the way until my dreams began to come true.  His were at Julliard, mine were in Japan.  Likewise, we both discovered ways of disciplining our lives via belief systems anchored both in tradition and practicality.  His via the USMC and mine via martial arts training.

He mentions the importance of learning to articulate and express his feelings through training in acting school at Julliard.  In my case, although I also acted in public theater as a child, I later joined ToastMasters and became a public speaker for many of the same reasons.  This has helped me cope with the many strong emotions in me as a foster child and paved the way for me to forgive others (and myself) for my childhood traumas.  Learning to talk it out is very, very important for mental health.

In the end, our journeys naturally lead us to discover ways of giving back, as part of the gratitude we have for all we have received.  Mr. Driver has been very active in promoting artistic expression for service members and their families.  In my own small way, my teaching is a way of "paying it forward" for a lifetime of support the martial arts and its community have given me.  I am sure we share the same feelings of pride and joy when our efforts open up new perspectives for others and give them new tools to better themselves.

Huge Respect for you, Adam Driver.  You are welcome at my house for dinner anytime.  #teamkylo

A History Of Testing

It was hot as I stepped off the plane at GSP (Greenville - Spartanburg Airport) in Greenville, South Carolina.  I had been battling rising stress and anxiety for more than two months since getting an email from Guro Fred that told me I would test for 3rd degree black belt this week.  There was a lot happening at work, and a nagging finger injury meant I couldn't lift weights or even do pushups or close my left fist for over two months, despite weekly acupuncture treatments.  The doctor suggested surgery to release the A1 flexor tendon from its sheath, but I was reluctant since the recovery time was quoted as 4-6 weeks.  I was filled with dread.  Somehow I passed, becoming only the 3rd person ever to achieve this rank (the others are KG Guillaume Foucaud and KG Vincent Dizon - who were my seniors from my very first day of KM in 2008).

KM is a complex martial art.  It is a comprehensive fighting system combining not only the sticks, blades and empty hand flow of Filipino Kali (influenced by Inayan Eskrima and Kali Sikaran), but also Indonesian/Malaysian Silat, Hakka Kuntao/Wing Chun, and even Muay Thai/Muay Boran.  Proficiency in KM includes modern boxing (derived from Filipino boxers anyway) and Panantukan (kickboxing), as well as Dumog (wrestling) and Trankada (lock flow).  Frankly, it's a lot to remember.  As well, it is interesting to note that our system is a 7th dan system as opposed to many arts which grade to 10th dan.  In a way, it means I am just under halfway through the black belt ranks. :-)

Beyond the technical details, Guro Fred Evrard has a way of making each test... worse...than the one before it.  In his words "this test is by far the hardest one I have ever conducted".  Each subsequent challenge pushes you further and further outside your comfort zone into exhaustion and beyond.  At the same time, each seemingly impossible challenge yields new insight into what you can do if you focus, dig in and LET GO.  What do I mean?

Kasama Assistant Instructor Test or "Inferiority Complex"
I took my Kasama Test in October 2011, about a year after returning to Japan from living in Singapore.  I had started KM in 2008 and wasn't able to complete my training since JPM sent me back to Japan.  At Guro Fred's insistence I was already running a weekly study group of KM on Friday nights.  Some of those students are my instructors now.

I tested, which included being made to do a large part of the De Cuerdas single stick curriculum using the full-size Filipino Kris (thanks, Guro!).  In addition, I was testing at the same time as Guro Seb Briedecker from Germany, an outstanding athlete and natural born fighter.  It's easy to be intimidated standing next to someone like that.  He moves with grace, speed and power and the techniques all look so easy when he does them.  He flows seamlessly from subsystem to subsystem and aces the test with a big smile.  I, on the other hand, am on hands and knees several times as round after round of boxing drills weaken me.  At the end, I could hardly even raise my gloves or mitts.  I passed the test, but felt ashamed at my lack of skill in comparison to someone like Guro Seb.  I left Singapore determined to get better.

The key takeaway from this test was that you cannot move like anyone else but YOU.  Keep your eyes forward on your goals and don't worry about "the other guy", especially when the other guy is a superhero like Guro Seb.

Kadua Guro 1st Degree Black Belt Test  or "Welcome to the Spotlight"
I took my Kadua Guro 1st degree black belt test in Japan in July 2013, with Guro Ben Boeglin flying in for the week to help me prepare and be my partner.  I was organizing the KM seminar at the same time, so stress was already high anyway.

This test was done in front of my wife, my students and some seminar participants and I put my comments here.  I remember very little about the test itself, except that I had to stop twice due to low blood sugar (blue lips and dizziness) before eating a banana and continuing.

Afterward we went to Pizza Strada and it was the most delicious pizza I'd ever had.  I slept like I was dead.

The pressure of testing in front of your own students, not to mention your partner, amplifies everything.  I wanted to do well, to pass for THEM just as much as for myself.  I wanted my wife to see and be proud of what I do.  I tried to fight through the exhaustion but I'm sure I looked a mess - you could easily tell how much I struggled.  I breathed a sigh of relief and prepared to start over.

The key takeaway from this test was about the importance of suppressing the ego.  I wanted to do well not just for me, but for everyone else who I thought expected this of me.  Their expectations were not MY expectations and the additional pressure made a tough test even harder.  Whatever you do, fulfill your own expectations first.

Madunong Guro 2nd Degree Black Belt Test or "Expect The Unexpected" 
In September 2015 I arrived in Singapore for ITA, with a handful of my KM Japan students in tow.  As far as I knew, I was there to support them as a coach and mentor for their Kasama testing.  It was also the first time I presented a student (Phil Gagnon) for Kadua Guro - the first one.  I showed them to Guro Fred confident they would do well - which of course they did.  I hugged Guro Fred when I arrived and he whispered in my ear "by the way, you're testing too..."  Mic Drop.

My stress-o-meter instantly shot up to about 21 (on a scale of 10).  I had NO FOREWARNING.  Zero. Zip. Nil. Nada. Nawt.  Nothing.

It was a brutal test done over the course of the full weekend.  My reflections on it here.  The lessons in there are every bit as valid for me today, as is the gratitude.

Go down swinging.

Katulong Guro - 3rd Degree Black Belt Test or "Facing Your Fear Head On"
So...here we are. Once again, Guro Fred's unique brand of "psychological warfare" was in my head for months, making me worried about my cardio, my techniques, my injuries, my jet lag and every other variable I knew I couldn't control.  Although I knew I would be testing, Guro Fred managed to give me no specific information on what exactly the testing/passing criteria would be.  For weeks I agonized about how to prepare given my finger injury, and wondering if I even had a chance of passing at all.  I resigned myself to being the first black belt to ever fail a KM test and thought about how I would explain that to the students if it happened.

The camp was MAGIC.  Throughout the week there was so much fellowship, support and compassion during the training sessions, the drives and the mealtimes.  I was surrounded by my brothers and sisters - some old and some new.  Lots of great conversations happened along the scenic drives or after the morning conditioning.  I felt among family and slept instantly, deeply every night.  Travelers Rest, SC is as the name implies, a beautiful place of beautiful souls where adventurers like us can find what we seek.

And then the technical part of the test happened on Monday (Day 3 of the camp).  I knew I was being tested from long before I ever stepped off the plane at GSP, but the main technical test (and graduation) took place during a 24-hour period that included outdoor training, a 5 meter rock jump and swimming in the lake, a knife defense seminar with Furman University and Greenville police officers, and finally KM SC class at Furman University.  A lot can happen in 24 hours.

Like the 2nd dan test, I "flipped the switch" and went into combat mode.  I tried to be in the moment and face each task, each opponent one at a time.  I did my best.  About halfway through the test I felt completely exhausted.  I tried not to show it and just told myself "one more minute...just hold on for one more minute..." for the remaining hour or so.  In the end, my goddamn stubbornness (ask anyone) and the encouragement and energy of the others allowed me to get through to the end.  I felt like I could hardly stand.  My knees were weak, but they held up.

Key takeaways from this test were similar to 2nd dan, with the addition that I really wanted to make a great example of determination and intensity, even if I failed.  I wanted the new students in KM SC especially to see that even at my age (nearly 53) I was ready to give 100% and face my fears of failure head on.

In the end, you can feel dread, anxiety, fear, stress, apprehension and anything else you choose to let enter your mind.  The moment of truth comes anyway and all you can do is face it, do your best and accept the outcome, whatever it is.

Now, back with my family in Yokohama, the aches and pains are largely gone.  What remains is total gratitude for all the support and encouragement everyone gave me - so many precious memories with my KM "Superhero" family.  Thank you all so much.  Extra special thanks for Guro Fred and Guro Lila, and to my KM Japan instructor team for believing in me.

You Raise Me Up.

 

Being Like Blake

This is Blake.  He's happy and excited.  He's getting ready for his first day of school, so he had this special t-shirt made to let everyone know his intentions.  His goal - MAKE FRIENDS!  He felt like some other kids might be anxious or nervous that they wouldn't fit in or worried that they might not make any friends at school.  So...he took the initiative by announcing to everyone that he is ready and willing to be somebody's new friend.  He's got a positive mindset and he knows the outcome before he even starts.  I don't have any doubts that he made plenty of friends that day.  I also don't have any doubts that his attitude will take him to any success he wants.  I'm so proud of Blake and his empathy and compassion.  I want to be his friend, too.

It's so important to make ourselves available for others and to let them know we are ready and willing to support them, even if they may not be exactly like us.  I also think it's important to be public about our willingness to do so, so people know they can come to us and that we will be their ally if needed.  We all feel a bit nervous in new situations, and it helps so much to have someone like Blake there to welcome us.

In an age where it seems like the world is filled with hatred, anger, violence, loneliness...while Nihilism and tribalism fuel the flames of extremism the world could use a bit more... friendship.  Tolerance.  Love.

Rather than waiting for the world to come to us, I think it's far better to get out there and make it known that we are willing and able to be part of social relationships with others.  We need to learn to be comfortable when speaking out about ourselves and our lives, and to ask for help whenever we need it - especially if we feel depressed, lonely or hopeless.  This is only possible when we believe we can be accepted for who we are without being judged.  Instead of waking up in the morning filled with worry and dread, instead we can try to be open to the possibility of the many good things that could happen - maybe even making a new friend.

I'm not naive (maybe I am, but I hope not as naive as I was on my first day of school).  I know that there are people who would take advantage of an offer of friendship or support and use it out of context.  That said, I still truly believe that if we treat other people with dignity and respect we will usually get the same or more in return.  I believe that we can disagree without hating each other.  I believe that we are all entitled to our beliefs and our happiness, at least to the extent that it doesn't hurt others or our planet.  I believe we should assume positive intent from others unless they give us a strong reason not to.

Regardless of where you live, what you do (as long as it's legal), how much money you make, your religious beliefs, your sexual orientation or gender, your past or your family background or what other people think of you... In my neighborhood, at work, in the dojo or wherever we meet, I'm happy to get a chance to meet someone new.

I WILL BE YOUR FRIEND.  I WILL GIVE YOU A CHANCE AND I HOPE YOU'LL DO THE SAME.

I want to be like Blake.

Don't you?

Locks - FMA Style

In this cycle, we have spent some time on the floor.  Practicing from a pummel position, we've been looking at some ways of breaking the base, moving attention from high line to low line, and using the pummel as a way to seek a finishing lock either standing or on the floor.  FMA differs from MMA, BJJ/Jujitsu or wrestling since there are no submissions.  The end result of every finishing hold is a joint destruction, neck crank or a choke/strangle.

When applying locks, it is important to work in your own comfortable workspace, no higher than the line of your own shoulders and hopefully close to your body on the center line.  This allows for better delivery of the body weight and power than locks done at arms' length.  If the opponent happens to be taller, we should use low line kicks/knees/stomps to bring them down to our workspace rather than attempt to reach higher for the lock.

To improve how to execute effective locks, I suggest the following three step approach:

1) Set the Shape
Every lock is structured with a relationship between our body and our opponent's.  Using our footwork to enter, and our arms and hands to control (sometimes legs, too), we establish the shape of the lock.  This is like loading a bullet in the chamber of a gun.  In practice, it is good to study the locking shapes carefully, since many different shapes can appear in each scenario and we need to choose an effective shape for the ever-changing situation.  Whenever possible, our shape involves causing the other person to have their head/neck/spine out of alignment or twisted, which limits their resistance.

2) Remove the slack
Once the shape is set, we remove all the slack - thereby isolating the joint.  If the joint is not isolated, the shape will move, since the opponent will be actively trying to escape or counter the shape we create. Their arms or legs will wriggle and snake.  The elbows/knees will bend, the opponent will try to bridge or shrimp away, etc.  Once the slack is removed, the isolated joint can be attacked with the maximum pressure and leverage.  Think of  it like a wrench turning a bolt.  If you use a wrench which is too big, the force is lost and the bolt cannot be tightened.

3) Apply Force
When we apply force, it is best to use the largest possible muscle groups since they generate the most power.  Particularly, the best locks are done using the chest, back, hips/pelvis, or thighs.  There is a tendency for beginners to try to apply locks using just the arms.  This can work, but it is slower and riskier than using the body weight and the core.  By applying force this way, even a smaller person can deliver effective results since the major muscle groups and core allow them to use their full body weight for the lock.  Of course, gravity is also an effective force multiplier, and many of the best locks are completed by dropping our body weight onto the opponent or causing them to fall while locked.  In KM, many of our locks are done using the breath exhale/chest expansion as this is very difficult to resist and yields a lot of power.

Done properly, locking represents an effective way of finishing a situation without the need to strike or kick.  In KM we emphasize mobility but it is still important to have at least some basic skills in case a fight ends up on the ground.

Practice Effectively.

Knowing a Little

They caught me.  Again.  I was walking over to my best friend Paul's house and they got me just after I had turned the corner from Summit Avenue onto Adams street.  Their car skidded to a stop and Ron, Donnie and Mike got out ready to have some fun at my expense - again.  The official story was that I fell on the ice and they started kicking me, managing to (accidentally) stomp on my hand and break it in the process.  The truth is I put my hands up to cover my face and got knocked down immediately.  I probably broke my hand when I went down.  I never even threw a single punch in my own defense.

I never made it to Paul's house.  Instead, I crawled home on my hands and knees and through the front door, leaving a sparse, thin trail of blood along the snow and ice the whole way.  My parents wanted to take me to the emergency room.  All I wanted was to find my brother, Casey.  He would know what to do.  Casey was my polar opposite.  Short, squat and powerful, me could max the leg press in the school gym already when he was still just a freshman.  He was a fullback on the football team and everybody in school loved and respected him.

Because we were foster kids, we had different names and most people didn't know he was my brother.  If Ron, Donnie and Mike had known, they definitely would have left me alone.  They found out firsthand who Casey was very soon after this incident.  Casey never told me what he said or did to them, but when the hospital let me out and I went back to school the three of them were terrified of me, as if I had the power of life and death over them.  Ron even offered to carry my books from one class to another.  For the next few years, even after Casey had already graduated, the fact that he was my brother kept all my enemies at bay.  I wanted to be strong like Casey.  Strong enough to never be bullied again.  Strong enough to never be afraid again.

The following summer, when I turned 14, Casey was taken away again and I started martial arts training at an old garage in Glendale Heights.  I've been in the martial arts one way or another ever since.

After a year or so, I no longer felt I needed Casey watching my back, which was good because he was still gone.  Maybe he was in Florida with his real Dad.  We didn't really know.  Foster kids tend to get moved around a lot and we never knew if or when we would see Casey again.  In the end he was gone for 3 years this time and didn't come back again until his senior year in high school.

With a bit of training, I felt confident.  I could do the basic punches and kicks and even a few combinations.  I could twirl a few weapons around and even strike a pose or two.  I fantasized about what I would do if Ron, Donnie and Mike ever came after me again, and I'd daydream about slashing them with a katana or bashing them with nunchaku.  Thankfully, it never happened.

It's been almost 40 years (and four black belts) since I started.  I feel like I've come a long way.  I don't daydream about fighting (well, maybe a little), and in time I've come to use what I learned to help people rather than harm them.  That overconfident 15 year old has been replaced by a middle-aged husband and father that thinks mostly about the weekends and what to cook (pizza anyone?).

I have also realized after nearly 40 years how little I actually know about martial arts.  I have tried to dig deeply into Japanese martial arts, especially kenjutsu/iaijutsu, aikido, judo, jujitsu.  Since 2008 Kali Majapahit has been my passion, and has helped introduce me to Filipino, Malaysian/Indonesian, Thai and Southern Chinese martial arts.  Together, these blend into a flow that seems to make sense to me.  That said, for each system I have studied, I know many people far more skilled than I can ever be - masters who understand things I am just on the verge of discovering.  I still have so much to learn - too much to ever fully grasp in the time I have left.

Knowing a little has also taught me that I want to avoid physical confrontation whenever possible.  There are far too many variables to ever really know the outcome of any such situation.  Things can escalate very quickly and many actions, once done, cannot be undone.  In the worst case, there are potentially permanent effects that could involve prison or worse.  It's just not worth it unless there is really no other option.  Like life insurance, it's better to have it and never need it than to need it and not have it.  The peace of mind I get from knowing myself and my capabilities/limitations is enough for me.  Martial arts has given me so much more than fighting skill.  I use what I have learned every single day.

Ron, Donnie and Mike are probably still living in or around my hometown in suburban Chicago.  If we met again, I'd probably buy them a drink and we could laugh about how stupid we all were back then.

Work In Progress

(thanks for the inspiration Guro Vince)

Modern society has given us very high expectations - we expect perfection.  In movies and on TV, perfect people with perfect smiles always seem to have the perfect answers for every situation.  Every problem is solved in an hour or less (including commercial breaks).  Flawless models grace the covers of magazines or post relentlessly on Instagram (or at least their Photoshopped avatars do).  Perfect athletes achieve superhuman feats on the pitch or in the ring.  Internet billionaires (or their YouTube avatars) live perfect lives of luxury...the list goes on and on.  We are all caught in an endless cycle of "upgrading" to the next better job, girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband, circle of friends, car, house, jacket, ISP, mobile plan, popular celebrity, etc.  It seems we can never truly be satisfied and the duration of our satiety grows shorter almost by the day.

Very often these external influences cause us to expect perfection from ourselves, too.  We can start to believe that our lives should be like those we see on TV and become disappointed when they aren't.  As this disappointment inevitably repeats itself, and it will since none of us can match an imaginary or fabricated reality, we may even spiral into depression, exhausted at trying to "keep up with the Kardashians".  We encounter hardship, we struggle, and we may feel like giving up.

The truth is that we are all a work in progress.  All of us.  Always.  Every single person we meet.  EVERY SINGLE PERSON has something they are working on, something they are struggling with.  In fact, the ones we see as the most successful are often the ones with the greatest insecurities about their success.  Some of the people I thought were the most "successful" turned out to be the most dysfunctional - dealing with serious mental and emotional issues.  Conversely, some of the people with the most daunting obstacles have risen to some of the greatest feats of human achievement despite them (Stephen Hawking anyone?).  We are NOT absolutes.  Rather, we are a messy, fascinating combination of both crisis and opportunity; hope and despair.

First, we must accept that this is our natural human state of being - flux. We are NOT perfect and perfection, since it is static, cannot possibly be our natural state of being.  We are meant to be on the Journey Toward Perfection.  Embracing our connectedness, we then realize that all of us are on a journey - none of us have arrived - and it is our love, empathy and compassion that fuels those around us to help them continue moving forward.  They, in turn, fuel us.  Together, we rise.

Likewise, I know I haven't failed because I'm not done yet.  I haven't given up. The final results are not out.  There is still time to improve and go farther.  There is still a chance to make a difference and push my life in the right direction toward my goals.  I can still contribute to others and to myself.

We could each choose to wake up every morning filled with dread and worried about what bad things could happen or what could go wrong.  Instead, we could choose to face each day with hopefulness and anticipation at all the endless possible things that could go RIGHT.  Even the smallest positive outcome is worthy of our gratitude.  Even a little bit of change brings us that much closer and shows that we are making progress.  Never forget to celebrate the good, just as we learn from and let go of the bad.

Success is mostly a by-product of perseverance.  It helps me to remember I'm not done yet.  Neither are you.  Not even close.

Please excuse the dust - work in progress.

Massugu

This expression, 真直 (Massugu), is one of my favorites in Japanese.  It is used to indicate "straight" when giving directions, but taken alone, the characters mean "true" and "direct".  When saying this about a person's character, 正直 (Shojiki) is used with the same the implication and it is usually meant as a compliment.

All too often, we have a way of complicating things.  We choose the indirect route, the long way round, or the compromise.  We fail to express ourselves openly, leaving others to guess at our intentions or desires.  We shy away from the tasks at hand, procrastinating until the result becomes unavoidable.  Our inertia gets the better of us. We over-analyze and fail to take action.

Directness is a vital element of success.  It puts pressure on action; on DELIVERY.  It forces us to get moving and keep moving.  It denies distraction and helps simplify.  Whether on or off the mats, the decisiveness connected with being direct is a powerful tool when we master it.

It can be very hard to do or say the right thing at the right time.  It requires a certain confidence and courage to stand up and deliver your own opinion, especially when it may be unpopular.  Sometimes we may imagine that bluntness will be poorly received, when in fact, telling the truth directly is often refreshing and genuine for everyone involved.

In his "Book of Five Rings", Miyamoto Musashi writes "In the strategy of my school, keep your mind and body straight and make your opponent go through contortions and twist about.  The essence is to defeat him when, in his mind, he is pivoting and twisting.  You should examine this well."  Of course, he means to keep your balance and structure, while taking it away from your opponent - the essence of all martial arts.  In daily life, too, it is important to keep balance and not be drawn into "pivoting and twisting" despite other people around us doing so.  There is a lot of value in practicing directness.

In the end it is the training, daily training, which creates our own habits and, ultimately, our own reality.

Keep going. Directly.

Pick Three

"Work. Sleep. Fitness. Family. Friends. Pick Three."  

I found the title of Randi Zuckerberg's new book (yes, THAT Zuckerberg) intriguing.  It certainly simplifies things.  It tells you right upfront that you simply won't have time to be everything to everyone.  It forces you to choose; to prioritize.

Maybe the truth is that we prioritize anyway, without it even being a conscious choice.  We somehow determine what is important to us and we go with it, perhaps without even thinking it through or weighing the opportunity costs of one versus another.

It also warns us of the risk of being a workaholic - you are likely to lose (at least) one of the other things you wanted (family? sleep? fitness? friends?)  Personally, I love to work but I surely don't want to be remembered as a workaholic - definitely not by my family or friends.

I hope this book digs deeper into understanding how to find balance in our lives.  I think many of us are desperately searching for some way to get everything we want (or think we want) out of life.  We are taught by MSM to want it all - and we do.  I spent years on far too little sleep, and I think it surely didn't make me happier or healthier, for example.

What would a similar book about martial arts be about?

striking/kicking. grappling/throwing/locking. health/longevity. culture/tradition/spirituality. combat effectiveness/practicality. pick three?  Where do weapons fit in??

I don't know about you, but I want them all.  Over the course of my life I've been focused on some aspects more than others.  Some, like culture/tradition have been with me since the beginning.  I learned my first words of Japanese on the mats in 1981.  Others are far more recent.  My insights into health/longevity are mostly derived from studies in Hilot (Filipino homeopathy) and Chinese medicine with Guro Fred Evrard.  While my early teachers taught me meditation (specifically Zazen), I have deepened my spiritual focus as I am getting older, and Guro Fred Evrard's influence on my Buddhist and Occult training has been significant.  What would your list look like??

Anyway, Randi Zuckerberg's book made the list.  I'll post again once I've read it.  If you read it first, send me a note and tell me what you think.

See you at class.

More or Less

Apologies to my non-American readers.  The coins above represent two of the most common in circulation: on the left is a nickel (5 cents).  On the right is a dime (10 cents).  The point being made is simple - the smaller coin is worth double that of the larger coin.

We are often taught to believe more is better: more money, more power, more food, more friends.  There is pressure from mainstream media to think we don't have enough - that we can never have enough.  This is usually not the case.

With some few exceptions - compassion, kindness, martial arts training (hint, hint) - to name a few, more is not better.  In many cases, LESS is better.

In a very interesting study, dietitians examined why the problem of obesity was so rampant in America, while the French diet was loaded with butter, sugar and foie gras but resulted in far less statistical obesity.  The answer?  Portion sizes.  Despite a diet of much richer food, French people typically consumed far fewer calories on average than their American peers.  Quality definitely won over quantity.

In this modern age of social media, we are thought to be "successful" if we have many friends on LinkedIn or Facebook; if we have lots of followers/views on Instagram or Snapchat or Youtube or TikTok or whatever.  Many of those people we have never even met, and it would be a big overstatement to refer to them as "friends" or "followers".

Regardless of how long we have known someone, if he or she is not there in our time of need, or doesn't truly have our best interests in mind and hopes for our success, they cannot be relied upon as a friend.   I am not advocating cutting off everyone who has not proven their loyalty (although that's also not a bad idea).  I am, however, suggesting that we always be prudent in recognizing that not everyone we engage with is our friend, and not everyone we have known for a long time (classmate, same neighborhood, long-term work colleague, etc.) wishes us success, even if we wish it for them ourselves.  Remember the first rule of boxing, "protect yourself at all times".

Even in the martial arts world, there is a danger in wanting to know too many techniques, too many variations.  This always comes at a risk of getting confused or of not knowing what to do or how the techniques fit together.  Repetition, not variety, builds fluency and muscle memory.  Bruce Lee famously quipped, "Fear not the man who knows 10,000 kicks.  Fear the man who has one one kick 10,000 times."

Let go of the illusion that more is always better.  Seek only the truth of everything and everyone and "rightsize" constantly.  Be grateful for what you have and use it fully.

Train hard.