It's No Joke

***  SPOILER ALERT ***

I walked out of the theater, hands shaking, tears streaming down my cheeks.  I made it to the restroom down the hall before I broke down crying completely, my body heaving and my stomach twisting into knots.  I felt sick, like I was going to throw up all the memories this movie brought back.  Walking home the hour or so it took from the theater has helped but not enough.  I need to write.

I was crying for the main character, Arthur Fleck, but also for myself.
I was crying for the millions of children who have been abused, and for the broken families that have caused everyone so much pain and suffering.
I was crying for the endless numbers of social workers, therapists, foster parents, counselors, spouses and children of We, the abused, who have tried so hard to heal and comfort us.
I was crying for so many people I know who also suffer from mental illness, especially men, and who are unable to get help or talk about it.
I was crying because I realized that it could just as easily have been me...

This movie has already caused some extreme reactions. Personally, I think Joaquin Phoenix did a fantastic and unapologetic job chronicling the character's disintegration into madness.  He is a very talented actor.

As an abused/neglected child, a handicapped child (ADHD, Amblyopia), a foster child, a participant in the Illinois State mental health system for 17 years, a patient of Ritalin, Adderall and other medications as a child, and having spent decades reading, studying and applying psychology I feel qualified to give my opinion on what I experienced watching this movie, as well as my observations and reactions to it.

Walking Away, Turning Away or Ignoring the Issue of Mental Health is Destroying Our Society
The protagonist in this story, Arthur Fleck, is an adult who was adopted and severely abused as a child.  He suffers from PBA, a severe mental illness which causes uncontrollable laughing due to stress or anxiety.  The backstory allows for the fact that this could be a result of his physical abuse/head trauma or a variety of other factors.  As someone who has lived with mental illness and childhood trauma, I can say that it may also just be an exaggerated form of defensive coping mechanism.  All of us have them, and many children develop such extreme coping mechanisms to try to deal with the emotional or physical traumas they have experienced.  Stuttering is another common example, as are facial tics and other similar nervous disorders.  My coping mechanisms include biting my fingernails but also my dark, sarcastic gallows humor which sometimes shocks and hurts people close to me.

Sadly, society's reaction to those of us who do not have "normal" upbringings is anything but kind.  Despite suffering childhood abuse, many of us are then bullied in school as well.  I endured 10 years of schoolyard bullying (including broken bones and hospital visits) until my martial arts training allowed me to stand up for myself.  Despite "best intentions", teachers, parents and other guardians are not protective enough of special needs children and we are usually treated as "freaks" or "outcasts" and subject to further abuse.  Being sent to my caseworker every week made the situation worse, since I was picked up by a driver from the playground during lunch recess, in front of the whole school, further confirming that I was different and leading to widespread rumors that I was being "experimented on", that I was "crazy", and so on.

Mental illness is a silent killer.  Most of us are made to feel ashamed of ourselves for having it, and are discouraged from talking about it.  Most of us wouldn't even know how.  We lack the communication skills and support to begin to unravel what has happened to us, and the system provides almost no care for us or our families.  For men especially, we are taught not to cry, told to "man up" and never given a chance to deal with the child inside of us who has been hurt so badly.  Since that child never heals, neither can we.

I think many people were so deeply disturbed by this movie since our modern society has so many broken families, so many single-parent families, so many kids in Child Protective Services (adopted, foster or group homes).  So many of us have experienced the loneliness and isolation that Arthur endures that it resonates with us.  If not ourselves directly, then others we have known from our extended families, school, work, etc.  In my case, over the years I have been approached for help and support by literally dozens of people suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety, stress, harassment...it's ironic given how greatly I have suffered from all of those myself.

The developers of the FBI VICAP program, Bob Ressler and John Douglas (source of TV's "Mindhunter", wrote excellent books on their many interviews with serial killers, all of whom had a single trait in common --- broken homes.  Of course, this does not mean that every child from a broken home is destined to be a serial killer, but it does strongly suggest that dysfunctional families contribute to dysfunctional kids who then grow up to become dysfunctional adults, and so on...

It Starts at Home
In the movie, Arthur is adopted by Penny Fleck, who has been hospitalized for severe mental illness.  She allowed him to be abused by her boyfriends and kept him believing a delusion about his origin. When the truth was finally revealed, this was very traumatic and a trigger for Arthur's further breakdown.

In an ironic way, I was fortunate to have been a foster child.  Since my name differed from my foster parents', Charles and Dorothy Leonard, I always knew I was not their real child.  They were open and honest with me about my foster situation and never adopted me.  One of my best friends was shocked one day in middle school to discover that he was actually adopted and was devastated by the news.  I think that was much worse since he felt completely betrayed by his adoptive parents for never telling him.

In my case, my birth mother was adopted herself and came from a home where her mother neglected and emotionally abused her.  My birth father was abused physically and mentally by his own alcoholic father and, in turn, was an alcoholic and heroin addict before I was born.  My birth mother describes the events surrounding my birth and placement into foster care in her memoirs.

I personally believe that broken families/both parents working causes instability which can start children on the wrong paths from an early age.  Babysitting kids with devices/TV to pacify them rather than engaging them in conversation, playing together, and bonding can inhibit children from feeling safe, secure and belonging at home.

Parents who suffer from mental illness need to have resources available not just for their own sake, but for the sake of their children. 

Communication is KEY
Human beings are social creatures.  We are hard wired to be with each other and to share and collaborate.  Especially as it relates to mental illness and physical/emotional/sexual abuse, without communication tools and venues to safely express what is happening these wounds fester and become more toxic.  Many children are afraid to talk about what has happened to them, and even as adults lack the capability to express their feelings.  Fortunately, good work by many social leaders such as Jason Wilson provides opportunities for young men to have good, strong role models and for their fathers to open up and finally start working through their own emotions.  They need much more support and we need them everywhere - for men and women too.

We all just want to be Accepted
People who have mental illnesses are usually treated as outcasts.  Because mental illness is hardly considered an "illness" by society at large, there is little or no sympathy for people who have it.  In "Joker", Arthur suffers from mental illnesses including PBA but also depression, hallucination and others.  He even carries a card to let other people know when he is having a PBA episode.  No one cares.  In fact, he is shunned by one woman on the bus and attacked by three men on the subway (whom he then subsequently shoots) just for having an incident/seizure.  Arthur dreams of becoming a stand-up comedian.  He repeats his mother's phrase "I was put here to make people laugh and be happy".  More than anything, like most of us, Arthur just wants to be accepted.  He hallucinates being accepted and desired by the woman he sees in the elevator.  He imagines himself on stage making people laugh.  For those of us who suffer abuse and who have mental illness, what we really want is not pity or mercy.  We just want to be treated like everyone else.

I was born premature and as such always smaller and weaker than everyone in my classes.  My poor eyesight didn't help.  I was always picked last for sports in PE if I was picked at all.  Time and again I was the laughingstock of the class.  As a loner and outcast I found solace in my books.  In the subjects I liked such as monsters (especially vampires and ghosts), sharks, military history and mythology I read every single book we had in the school library throughout elementary, middle and high school.  By the time I graduated high school I was mostly done with everything in our town's public library as well.  In the end it wasn't enough.  I just wanted my parents to be proud of me.  I wanted friends.  I wanted a girlfriend.  I wanted all the things I thought I could never have.

A Series of little triggers often leads to a Breakdown
In the movie we watch Arthur painfully experience setback after setback.  Finally, learning that his mother lied to him, he snaps.  In Ressler/Douglas' research into serial killers, they found that there are often a series of stressful events that lead to escalations in behavior prior to a significant act (rape or murder).  The pressure builds and builds until finally, the person snaps.  Unfortunately these stressors are almost always discovered in retrospect, which is too late for the victims.  It is important to know when these smaller triggers happen and to be aware of the accumulating effect they can have.  This can allow us to seek help (if available) before spiraling downward.  Everyone has a breaking point, and the earlier we become aware the better we can be at seeking help and avoiding disaster.

We need to remember Love, Compassion and Empathy
Most of us are filled with rage and anger over what happened to us.  We seek, in vain, for some logical/rational reason why we had to go through the things we did.  In the end, there is often no way to make sense of our trauma.  It's just what happened.

For more than thirty years I was consumed by anger.  I was angry at myself for not being worth keeping.  I was angry at my birth parents for getting divorced and giving me away.  I was angry at my foster parents for not understanding why I hurt so much inside.  I was angry at society for not having compassion or support.  In the end, I was freed by having good teachers who led me through meditation, Shinto and Zen Buddhism, to recognizing the need to surrender to my circumstance and dedicate myself to the light - to connecting to others with love, compassion and empathy.  I still struggle, but I continue to try to do more good than harm.  The next stage of my journey in acceptance is to become unafraid to advocate for myself and for others like me.  I'm working on it.

As TV talk show host Ellen DeGeneres recently quoted, "When I say "be kind to one another", I don't mean only the people that think the same way that you do. I mean BE KIND TO EVERYONE".  The importance of love, compassion and empathy, especially for those who are different from us, cannot be overstated.

We all think about Suicide Sometimes - The Demons Never Really Go Away
In the movie, Arthur fantasizes about shooting himself in front of an audience during his favorite TV talk show.  As a survivor of attempted suicide I can say that it is often deeply misunderstood.  Society views these actions as desperate cries for help from people who want to be saved.  In fact, it is often an attempt to find peace; to escape and free ourselves from situations and feelings that we do not understand and cannot express.  Death would have been a welcome relief from the constant torment of struggling with my demons and insecurities.

After many years of help and support, surrounded by the love of my family, friends and colleagues it has gotten much, much better.  However, the feelings never really go away.  From time to time I look at the train tracks and imagine being free of all the stress, pressure and anxiety.  I imagine being able to finally rest and quiet the voices in my head that have punished me for so long.

The difference is now I know how to respond.  I know those voices can echo and fade away without my having to answer them.  I know that the world is, for now, better with me in it.  I know that there is still some positive change that I can be part of, and for that reason I must go on.  I developed better tools and skills and those have helped me to not give in to those bad thoughts any more.

We owe no one any Apology
For most of my life I felt ashamed of what had happened to me.  I felt so inferior to everyone who had a "real" family and who had Sunday dinners with everyone around the table.  I felt like I had to apologize for the crime of...what?  Of being born??  I didn't want to talk about it to anyone, especially not to my caseworkers or therapists.  The truth is there was no academic way to understand what happened.  Either you had been through it, or been through worse, or you hadn't.
If you hadn't, there wasn't any point in trying to explain it to you.

Now, as an adult, I no longer feel the desperate need to be understood by someone else, not even to understand it myself.  It's just what happened.  I have respect and fellowship with other survivors but I don't expect anyone else to be able to know what my journey has been like just as I can never truly know theirs.

I deliberately hid my disabilities even though I could have qualified for handicapped parking, had handicapped benefits, and so on.  I refused because I always felt it would turn me into a weak and helpless victim.  A lifetime of martial arts training has made me feel at least as capable as anyone else and I always believed there were others who needed those benefits far more than I did.  I was afraid of the stigma attached to the "handicapped" label.  I fear we are still a long way from accepting people with disabilities , especially mental disabilities.

I think it is important to note that sometimes we are like passengers on a sinking ship - feeling trapped and helpless to stop events from happening.  We wish we could act differently or avoid saying or doing hurtful things but we can't.  This is especially true of children who have ADHD/ADD, Asperger's or autism.  We wish we could do what you ask of us, but sometimes we just can't.  It hurts us, too.

In the end, I owe no one any apology for who I am or how I turned out.  I never chose to have those things happen to me and have done my very best despite the situation.  I take full and complete responsibility for the good and bad things I have done and I'm deeply grateful to everyone who has stuck with me.  I know it hasn't been easy because I can be a very difficult person.

Forgiving Others Frees Us To Forgive Ourselves
I was filled with so much anger for so many years.  I think I only really began to overcome it when I got married and once my son George was born.  With my wife's love and support I was able to meet my birth mother and start the painful process of forgiveness.  I had to.  Unless I forgave her for putting me into foster care I could never let go of all that anger.  Unless I forgave her I could never forgive myself.  In the end, both of us found redemption and are now in regular, friendly contact.  My story has a happy ending.  Most stories don't.  The world is cruel and harsh sometimes and there seems to be no room for mistakes nor for patience or forgiveness when mistakes inevitably happen.  My birth mother was brave and selfless to give me up so that I could have a better chance at life.  It took me more than 30 years to understand that and accept her sacrifice.  Seeing her point of view became the cornerstone of our mutual forgiveness.

Take Your Meds
In the movie, Arthur loses access to his medications and therapy support due to funding cuts.  This exacerbates his situation and is a contributing factor in his eventual meltdown.  There are two broad schools of thought on this topic - behavioral and chemical.  One camp would have us believe that therapy is a panacea for treating mental illness.  The other camp believe that we can be largely treated by addressing imbalances in our brain chemistry.  Ritalin flattened out my mood swings, so much so that I felt trapped in my own body and shuffled through school like a zombie.  It robbed me of any joy of living and made me beg my foster parents to get me off of it.  I had nervous tics, trouble sleeping and almost no appetite.  But hey, no ADHD, right?

I think proper treatment is a hybrid approach.  I accept that some medications, in appropriate doses, can improve the conditions of many mental illnesses.  I also encourage people to keep taking their meds and to be very open and transparent with care providers regarding dosage and side effects to achieve the right balance.  At the same time, therapy can do tremendous good even just by providing a safe place to talk about thoughts and feelings or to learn better tools and skills to express ourselves.

The movie reminded me how woefully inadequate our mental health care system is around the world, especially in Japan.  Broader comments about US healthcare costs aside, there are too few professionals, too many patients and too little funding to provide even a fraction of the care society needs.  Too many people fall through the cracks in the system and end up having their conditions worsen because they cannot afford treatment or counseling.  Japan is famously sparse in this regard.  Most of the workers in this field are heroes.  They try to do too much with too little and go above and beyond to try and make a difference in our lives.  I am so grateful to everyone who has tried so hard to help me heal.

For children, the lack of suitable adoption facilities, foster care and group homes means that most of these kids will never get a chance to experience a "real" family's love and support.  It's more tragic and heartbreaking than I can imagine.  I was so lucky to have gotten the care and family I got.  It wasn't perfect, but it was so much more than most other state kids had.  I knew many stories of kids who were severely abused in group or in adoptive or foster care, moved from place to place literally a dozen times growing up.  Many of those kids had severe developmental/learning disabilities as a a result, and were at much higher risk of addiction, gang affiliation or suicide.  My life was not easy, but I was incredibly fortunate.

Mental Illness does not mean Violence
The movie seems to suggest that mental illness degrades into violence.  I think it is true that many of us who have been abused have a fascination with weapons or violence.  It is often a defense mechanism for dealing with the vulnerability we feel for having been betrayed and abused by the adults who were supposed to protect us.  Most people who cope with mental illness are not violent at all, and could certainly use a bit more love, compassion and empathy.

Dogs are Natural Healers
My life has been improved by a lot of factors, among them our wonderful pugs, Butch and Xie Xie.  Dogs are truly amazing creatures with unmatched healing energy.  I wish I had known about this earlier, I would have always had a therapy dog by my side. Now after 9 years with ours, I never want to be without dogs in my life.

Guns are a Real and Serious Problem
Arthur gets given a gun from Randall at work after he gets jumped and mugged by a bunch of teens.  He later uses this same .38 caliber snub nose revolver to shoot 4 other people to death, including TV talk show host Murray Franklin.  While some may argue it was justified self-defense in shooting the three men on the subway, the sad part is that access to a gun facilitated his ability to kill those people.  Could he have stabbed them all or hit them with a brick or driven a car into them?  Maybe.  However, bear in mind that despite having severe mental illness he could have gotten that revolver or something much deadlier in nearly any state in America.  Yes, guns don't kill, people do.  However, providing ease of access to people who are potentially mentally ill puts society at high risk.  Guns, especially high capacity semi-automatics, make it far too easy/too convenient to kill people over any minor infraction or the impression of such.  I had a firearms license in Illinois when I lived in America and I was very highly trained in the safe use of a wide variety of pistols, rifles and shotguns.  I would gladly give up my second amendment rights if it would help keep even one innocent person from being shot.  Guns allow marginalized, angry people to vent their anger and hostility too easily at innocent bystanders.

In summary, this is a difficult, important film.  Not easy to watch, and not easy to write about.  Please support better mental health care for all.  Please help kids as much as you can.  Please be an ALLY.

Thank you.