"Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted" --- Randy Pausch
"If you could go back in time, what would you have done differently?"
The question hit me hard. I thought about it for a long, long time. I've done so many bad things, hurt people, made so many mistakes, failed so many times... In every category of my life I've seen, felt and done so many things I wish I hadn't. I've cried every flavor of tears ranging from happiness and joy to anger, rage, loneliness and grief... and everything in between.
What if I had the chance to do it all over again or to erase some of my countless errors? Wouldn't I have to take it? What would I have done differently??
Actually, nothing.
I never think of myself as a remarkable person. I am average in just about any way I can think of. Physically, mentally, economically. Nothing special. At least nothing more special than anyone else. If I have had any advantage, it is having emotional resilience. Because of my childhood in foster care and the Illinois Children and Family Services system, I saw and experienced a lot for a young boy. I endured years of therapy and counseling and struggled most of my life (even now) with low self-confidence and a poor self-image. It has taken me decades to overcome (mostly) my abandonment issues and deal with the anger and rage I felt toward my biological parents for giving me up - despite knowing it saved my life before I was even a year old.
Again and again I have been broken. Broken physically, mentally, emotionally so many times as life seemingly dealt me every bad card in the deck. Until it didn't. Did Life change or did I change? After struggling so hard from birth into my mid-twenties, my dreams (finally) began to come true, starting with going to community college and, ultimately, making my way to Japan which had been my dream and focus for over ten years. I nearly gave up so many times, including having my first three attempts to get to Japan end in failure. I tried to take my life more than once, and I am grateful I didn't succeed.
In the end, a lifetime of hardship and struggle made me resilient and independent. I have learned so much...
- I learned that I can choose to show up for myself and be active in seeking my own success and happiness each day.
- I learned that, with effort, I can let go of my pain, sadness and fear and allow myself to experience joy and believe that I deserve a happy life despite my past.
- I learned that I can forgive and be forgiven, even when I thought it would be impossible.
- I learned that life is not set in stone. Far from it. While I am alive, there is always something I can do.
- I learned that even though I came from a broken family, a broken family need not come from me.
- I learned the true, irreplaceable value of friendship.
- I learned that nothing, good or bad, lasts forever.
- I learned that the sun will still rise and the Earth will still spin, no matter what befalls me. I am just not that important. None of us are.
Could I have learned those things without all the good and bad experiences I have had? Could I have found them out any other way? I don't think so. I am exactly who I am, flaws and all, because of all the scars. As per The Butterfly Effect, any changes I would have made would have led me to somewhere else, and I accept where (and who) I am now. I don't need any more and would not want to risk having any less.
I have not had an easy life, and I don't think it has gotten easier. I just exchanged one set of problems for a bigger and more complicated set. I know more people, but have the same small amount of close friends. My day-to-day is narrow and focused and becoming more so as time goes by. I am so much clearer now about what (and who) I want in my life and what (and who) I don't. I am aggressive in pruning away what I don't want.
I desperately want to believe the world is better with me in it, and will be better when I leave it. I put most of my time and energy into trying to prove that. I am keenly aware of my own mortality.
Unfortunately, the only real way to get experience is to get out and do things. Challenge yourself and be prepared to accept the consequences. In every case, I have found a way forward even if it wasn't what I thought it would (or should) be.
In the end, I'm truly, deeply sorry for all the people I've hurt and disappointed along the way. I hope in time they will be able to forgive me. At the same time, I am profoundly grateful for it all. Even the worst things in my life have taught me something important. In many cases I learned more from what went wrong than I ever did from what went right.
What's most important is just to keep going, no matter what. Pauses are OK but don't stop. Make sure you complete the course. The experience will be worth it. I promise.
See you at class.
