Life is filled with choices. Every day we have to choose from a variety of options. It can be hard to choose, especially when the choice is between two options that both seem equally good or equally bad. However, choices must be made for us to continue. Indecision is the enemy of progress.
In a perfect world, we would have full transparency and foresight, making the best possible decisions based on true and complete facts every time. However, in reality it is rarely the case. We make decisions based on emotion, with incomplete information or unreliable sources, and often experience regret not just from what we chose but from what we did not.
Most of the time, bad choices can be undone but sometimes it's not easy and sometimes undoing mistakes can be harder than just accepting a bad result. It takes a lot of courage to admit you were wrong, and even more to actually do something about it. Sometimes there is no reset button, although we all have times we wish there were.
I find the band aid principle works best. If I know the band aid has to come off, I would rather get it over quickly than prolong the pain. Waiting for things to get better, especially in abusive relationships, tends to empower to the abuser who rarely sees the need to change. Often, these people are not even aware that what they do or say is considered abusive to their partner - they think they are just being open and honest. However, strong relationships are supportive and encouraging, empowering both people to achieve more, not less. As I get older, I become more convinced that fear is the biggest motivator in the lives of most of us. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of what others will think, fear of letting go, fear of losing control, fear of not being loved (or loved enough), fear of being alone. The list goes on and on. Healthy relationships are powerful because they help us let go of fear. This frees us to become happy, and positive relationships are a cornerstone of happiness for healthy people.
Relationships, like most things, involve choices. In most modern cultures we choose who to date, who to become serious with, who to marry. We choose partners not just for their physical appeal (I hope) but also for the strength of their character, their reliability and their commitment to a future together. Despite the relatively high (and growing) instances of divorce worldwide, I don't think anyone ever gets married expecting to get divorced (except maybe in California).
It's hard to make a permanent commitment to someone when we cannot predict how they (or we) will change over time. What is absolutely certain is that there WILL be changes, both to our partners and to ourselves, and this is to be expected. Personally, I don't believe we have much power (nor much right) to change others. The best we can hope for is to change ourselves; to allow ourselves to be inspired by those around us, including our partners, and truly strive to become better people. Hopefully our partners will do the same. It is possible to lose our way, or for our partner to lose theirs. This is why compassion, forgiveness and understanding are so important in healthy relationships. People are complex and a lot can happen along the way.
Marriage certificate or not, couples make a deliberate choice to be together - or not - every single day. I have found that the small kindnesses every day are the ones we build relationships on. Holding hands, sharing what happened during the day, going for a walk, having a meal together. The little everyday things that occur in between life's big events. These are more treasured memories for me than big vacations to exotic places because they show that my partner has given me the most important thing she has - her time and attention.
In my case, I try very hard not to argue over the mundane - where to eat dinner or what color tablecloth to buy. I try not to argue about money or religion or politics - there is nothing to be gained there. When we disagree I try not to make it personal nor to carry forward any grudge. I am absolutely against any form of domestic abuse, verbal or otherwise, from either partner. Those wounds go deep and sometimes don't heal at all. Moreover, when children are involved abusive relationships establish a precedent that these behaviors are "normal" and influence them to repeat those behaviors in their own relationships. Many abusive people I have met are simply acting out the scenarios they experienced growing up.
I think it is important not to take our partners for granted and remember every day that our time on Earth is short. Treasure every moment and learn to let the little things go - in the end, they are all little things anyway. The Gratitude Attitude wins every time.
I remind myself every day that, given the chance, I would choose my partner again, every time. This helps me feel constantly grateful by realizing she has made the same decision in choosing me every day, and that I am profoundly lucky.
Relationships are not always easy, and I remain humbled that despite knowing me so well, my partner can accept me - many flaws and all. I promise to do my best every day to remain worthy of her faith and trust. I know I have to earn it every day. Complacency is the enemy of love. Be vigilant.
Choose. and Be Chosen.
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