No Pain No Gain

Here I am at The Peaceful Warrior Camp 2018 in Natai Beach, Thailand.  Sun, fun, training on the beach and so much, much more.  A chance to reconnect with brothers and sisters in the arts from near and far, catch up on the latest happenings and generally celebrate life.

The camp always includes a lot of training, but it is more than that.  We have at least 2 conferences every year on personal development and health, taught by Guro Fred, Guro Claes and the other masters.  It's a great chance to remember that it's not just about our skills as martial artists but also about our maturity and wisdom as human beings.

Today Guro Claes gave us a conference on personal development.  He showed us A.H. Maslow's hierarchy of needs which is a famous pyramid used in many such presentations.  Guro Claes also explained that these levels correspond directly to our chakras and as such are an integral part of the "I AM" part of our selves.  Many times we get stuck in certain levels of the hierarchy, unable to move forward.  Guro Claes explained that this often due to our reluctance to accept the pain of change.  All growth is painful, but it precisely this pain that allows us to go further.  Like the weightlifter in the gym - it is not easy but such effort is necessary to become stronger; simply wishing it does not make it so.

He challenged us to think about what we could do to really change our lives.  It's a powerful reflection to begin to really consider what is in our lives that doesn't work and formulate a plan to improve and change.  For some of us, having Guro Claes encourage us is a great motivator to take the next steps towards improving our lives, whatever that may be.

At the same time,  I realized that pain is a very important topic for me.  Looking at the word "PAIN" written in big letters I could focus on little else.  I worried I was going to have a "moment" and break down in tears during the conference.

For 30 years or so, I carried an anchor of pain around my neck.  Physical pain has come and gone, but the emotional pain of my childhood, and my anger as a reaction to that pain,  consumed me for so long I thought I could never be free of it.  This year, my birth mother published her memoirs, detailing many aspects of her failed marriage to my birth father and my early childhood (pre-agency and foster care) that I had never known.  I was riveted, reading the whole manuscript 3 times in one week and hardly sleeping at all.  So many wounds were reopened, and I cried an awful lot that week.  Once again I was a lost and forsaken baby, given up by my parents who never wanted me.  The pain was unbearable.  The love of my wife and children healed me like it always has.

I realized that now, at nearly 52 years old, I have the life I want.  I have MY family, who I love with every fiber of my being; my beautiful and patient wife who handles my dark moments without complaint; my two sons who surprise me and make me so proud.  So much more.  I love my job and where we live.  I love my Kali Family and my amazing students.  I have everything I ever wanted and so much more.  I am overflowing with gratitude for this fabulous life and I don't really feel any motivation to do much more than continue to enjoy it.  I'm in my sweet spot, my zone.  As one close friend tells me again and again, "Honeyman, you've aced it".  I really feel I have.

Maybe that's the problem.  I no longer subscribe to the idea that you have to keep pushing for the next goal; the next promotion, the next purchase, the next "level".  I feel content.  Moreover, I am not sure I am willing to "take the pain" of those changes any more.  I have lived in darkness for so long, I want some time to enjoy the light.  Is that really so wrong??

I know what it took to get here - thousands of nights of sadness and feeling unwanted...low self-esteem masked by sarcastic black humor.  My sharp tongue hurting everyone around me - pushing everyone away and building walls to keep everyone out.  Destroying every relationship and then wondering why I had to pick up the pieces again.  Everyone around me telling me all the things they thought I would never do or never achieve - me going and  doing them all (and more) anyway.  I had help from so many people along the way, known and unknown, but in the end I learned that no one can live your life but YOU.  I don't ever want to go back.  I love my life right now.

What if I just stayed on like this - happy??

No Pain No Gain? maybe to a point.  If I have nothing further I want to gain then maybe I don't have to take the pain, right? 

I have fought every inch of the way for this life.  As a warrior, A Peaceful Warrior, I am sworn to defend it and the people in it and I would without hesitation.  But maybe it's OK to stop fighting all the time.  Maybe I have the freedom I wanted for so long.  It sure feels like it.

Maybe this is what it really means to be a Peaceful Warrior...