This quote really made me think. Sometimes I'm asked "If you could go back in time, what things would you change?" After I think for a moment I always reply "nothing". My life has been many things, but it has not been easy. I had many problems in childhood and young adulthood due to my broken family, becoming a foster child, constant bullying, physical/mental disabilities and my long-standing anger over believing fate had dealt me a bad hand (based on all the above). I started working more or less full time (30 hours/week) when I was 14 and have done that for nearly all of the past 40 years. I paid for my own school from high school onward, leaving home at 18 since my foster parents retired and moved across the country to Reno with me staying in Chicago. I fought hard for every inch of my life against all odds put in front of me. I'm still fighting.
In the end, I believe I have accomplished a fair bit, especially given where I started and the low bar set for us foster kids, many of whom are at much higher risk of addiction, depression and suicide. More than anything, I'm a SURVIVOR. At almost 54, I feel confident to weather any storm that comes my way and hopefully still deal with the world using love, compassion and empathy. I have learned to forgive others so that I could finally forgive myself. That single journey has taken me nearly all of my adult life.
When I think about my past and my experiences, I realize I am who I am because of them. The pain taught me that I could endure. The bullying taught me to protect others. The loneliness taught me to treasure my friends. The depression taught me to seek peace in my heart. The foster care taught me about the importance of family. The physical problems taught me to use my mind first and foremost. The mental problems taught me to connect to my soul. Martial arts taught me respect and the importance of making my mind/body/spirit equally strong. Every painful lesson learned the hard way kept me moving forward.
My GOOD is because of my BAD. My SUCCESS is because of my FAILURES.
If I took away one, I would lose the other and I'm not willing to do that.
I wasn't always a good person, and I have done much in my life that I am not proud of. My failures have taught me persistence and hurting others has taught me how much I want to keep them safe. I learned that we can get lost and still find our way home. It just takes time. I have been blessed to be surrounded by the best teachers, the best friends, the best co-workers, the best students, the best family. This has made me want to be my best, too. I want to deserve them.
As a parent it's especially difficult. I want to protect my boys from the many horrible things that life can throw at them. I want them to succeed again and again so they learn good habits and to take pride in doing their best and achieving their goals. It hurts me when they fall down. At the same time, I made it because I learned to take the hits and keep going. I learned to depend on myself when I couldn't depend on anyone else. I learned that I am the only one I can be sure will keep my promises. Falling down so many times made me unafraid of falling. It made me confident that I would always find a way forward if I kept at it.
I'm not sure I can say with certainty that I love myself...at least not yet. I know there are many days when I don't love myself (or worse). I'm working on it. I think, however, I am content with who I am and the journey I am on. I resolve to keep going until I simply can't any more.
In the end, I don't have much regret. Maybe that's the most important thing.
Stay Safe. Be Kind.
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