coulda shoulda woulda

 

(Thanks for the inspiration MC)

The air in the changing room was heavy, palpable. I could feel it. I smiled and asked "How are you doing?" already knowing the answer... his face said it all. 

Lately we have been working on some BJJ basics as well as Kali Majapahit. Guro Jeremy has been training on weekends and has been kind enough to share what he is learning with the rest of us as part of our conditioning and as something to complement our usual KM curriculum. We are all beginners, including Jeremy and especially me. There is no ego, only a chance to play, explore and discover together, which for me is at the heart of what the FMA journey is all about. We do some warm-ups, some basic techniques, look for solutions to some common situations and even roll from time to time. I love it.

Three of the most dangerous words in the English language make the title of this post: Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda. With a magic wand I'd erase them completely. Why? Why are they so dangerous?? It goes back to the answer in the changing room... When I asked how he was doing, his expression dropped. "I don't know...I just think I should have done,,, better".  There it was. The Shoulda.  

I knew this feeling very well. When I started KM back in 2008 I already had three other black belts (Ninjutsu, Kenjutsu, Aikido) and had been doing martial arts for over 25 years. However, the movements of Kali Majapahit and the various subsystems (Hakka Kuntao, Silat, Jeet Kune Do) did not come easily at all. I always felt awkward and ashamed, as if somehow decades of experience in traditional Japanese martial arts could have prepared me for these new areas.  The reality is that they didn't and they couldn't. That was truly the best part because it challenged me in new and different ways that have led to a much deeper overall understanding. This is only possible once we get rid of the couldawouldashoulda

The Coulda: If only things had been different the result would have changed --- guess what, what happened happened. Now, how will you prepare for next time?

The Shoulda: Why didn't I do it differently?? --- guess what, you didn't. How will you do differently next time?

The Woulda: If only things were not the way they were... guess what, the way they are is the way they are. Now, what are you going to do about it?

These three dangerous words are rooted in our ego (our expectations of ourselves versus the evidence of reality), our overthinking of past events/giving in to guilt, our living in the hypothetical and abstracting the need for specific actions which lead to specific outcomes.  In each case, they are usually far more hurtful than helpful and can easily stall us in our development.

The Way challenges us to face ourselves as we truly are, without illusion, confronted by the evidence (positive or negative) of the environment we are in. Only from this true starting place can we plot a path to a different and more positive outcome. How can we determine where to go without first knowing and accepting where we are?  Of course, this includes the honesty of accepting our current selves as-is, limitations, failings and all, but ONLY as a part of the process of moving forward. NOT as a path toward despair, hopelessness or depression. We must remember that we can only know what we know, and be who we are right now in this moment. Not more, but also not less. As simple as this realization is, many people go their entire lives without considering it or without really accepting it.  Once we truly own ourselves as we are, we can start to take positive steps toward better goals.

When he told me "I don't know...I just think I should have done,,, better" my response was immediate. "Why do you think so? Have you trained BJJ before?" He said he had not. "Then there's no reason you should already be good at it, is there?" "He smiled and nodded his head. Sometimes the answer is so clear but we cannot see it through our ego.

We live in a world where perfection is expected. This is hardly the usual case but we tend to be disappointed with anything less than perfection, often from ourselves. Don't believe me?  Ask Einstein.  All the superstars we see were not born like that. It takes hard work, dedication and sacrifice to achieve excellence. Being present in the moment gives us an important signpost which helps us to see our progress from where we were, and how much closer we are to where we are going. In the end, this is what really matters.

The Path can be difficult. It's important not to make it even harder by putting unrealistic expectations on ourselves or others. We will almost always have to make decisions or take actions based on incomplete information, finite resources and sub-optimal timelines. We will need to get it done anyway. 

So trust in yourself and the process, stay the course, do the work, and the results will come. I promise.

In the meantime, train hard.