The first time I encountered my ego (that I remember) would have been in the 5th grade in elementary school. I was small and had a big mouth, but I was usually the smartest kid in class. I loved knowing the right answers and had my hand up all day every day. Having the teacher call on me and me giving the right response was my personal endorphin. I don't think I was actually smarter, maybe I just cared about being right more than the other kids. They were busy with hobbies and sports and friends. I had almost none of those. I read a lot of books and so I was usually much further ahead of the class on any given topic. This made me feel good. It made me feel worthwhile.
In 5th grade, the Bradfords moved to town. Chris was my age and his family had a lot of siblings, living in a big house at the end of a cul-de-sac, walking distance from school. Chris wasn't just smarter than me. He was smarter than me at everything, in every class. Ridiculously smarter than me. He would go on to take a full load of AP classes in high school, graduate as class valedictorian and go to West Point, then law school. Yeah, I know. In retrospect, I think I, too, have had an amazing life, but I was never going to be his intellectual or academic equal. It was not even a fair fight. I was humbled.
Throughout my life, including 45 years in martial arts, I've had my ego smashed down agin and again. There have always been those around me that are better, more knowledgeable, training harder. If I compared myself to them I would have been miserable the whole time, and probably have quit by now.
Kali Majapahit was a special kind of ego-killer. Punong Guro Fred was spectacular. Not just as a martial artist but as an academic (Chinese and Tibetan Buddhism, Freemasonry, Esoterism, etcetera - he wrote over a dozen books) and as ahuman being. Guro Lila was his counterbalance; always smiling and quiet but with a ferocious and untamable warrior spirit. Not just that, the other students were fantastic as well; athletic, passionate, powerful. With my background I felt I should have been... better. I just wasn't. I struggled with every movement and technique. This was initially very hard to accept, however I resigned myself to the fact that patience, repetition, discipline and just plain old stubbornness would ultimately help me improve.
Even as recently as my 4th dan test in June, I have had to contend with and sublimate my ego. This is necessary to accept who and how I am so that I can change, grow and improve. It's easy to say but hard to do. I didn't do as well as I wanted to but I must accept the result and keep going.
For some, not being immediately "good" at Kali is a blow to their ego, especially if they come from long backgrounds training in other systems (as I did) or had strong athletic backgrounds (I didn't). The fact is, Kali is unique among martial art systems and Kali Majapahit is unique among Kali systems. Without specific training in it, there is no realistic reason to expect to be able to pick it up easily. That also means that when you see someone who is genuinely good at Kali Majapahit there can only be one reason they are - training. Every rank in our system is hard-earned with blood, sweat and tears. The tests are extreme and are great ways to learn to let go of your ego - they are humbling to say the least. All of mine have been.
For new students, I encourage you to give yourselves grace - allow yourselves the time to become good. Train diligently and let the hours speak for you. Be proud to be a student. It's a noble path.
For advanced practitioners, always remember how you got here - the journey and the many steps it took. Have empathy and compassion for others, and yourself as well, so that you keep moving forward.
For instructors, make sure it is always about THEM and not about you. Be grateful to be part of their story, if even for a little while. We will be measured by how many lives we have touched.
Learn to accept the person in the mirror.
See you at class
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