Fifty Seven

 

Well, here we are. Another trip around the sun and now arrived at 57.

Overall, the year has been volatile, with a lot of highs and lows, especially for someone at this stage of life. I always expect things to "calm down" and somehow they never really do. The world seems to careen from one crisis to the next and the news remains depressing and hopeless. I can feel the seething rage under the surface of so many people. I guess I hoped that after COVID we'd learn to love each other more. Being an idealist is a tough and thankless job.

On the plus side, I had several meaningful trips this year including Hanoi (solo), New Orleans (with George) and Bali (with Ray). Each trip was really good and travelling with my boys is something I always dreamed about. It feels wonderful to share these experiences with them. On every trip, I managed to get in in a cooking class or two, and these have been so enjoyable that I now want to take a cooking class every time I travel. The results continue to pay dividends through noticeable improvements in my skills/confidence for Vietnamese, Cajun/Creole and the basics of Balinese cooking. I love replicating the dishes at home and building on what I learned. My health remains stable after my bout with T2 Diabetes. I'm making more time for the gym and consistently able to be at Kali class 2/week and that helps. 

My mental health has been mostly good, with the exception of a few high stress moments throughout the year now stabilizing into a rhythm that I feel I can keep. Each of these stresses has led to deeper realization about what is important to me, and learning to let go of that which is not (definitely easier said than done).

This year has also involved a lot of loss. Iconic actor Sylvester Stallone said in his bio on Netflix "Sly", "All your life you keep adding things. And then at some point things just start getting subtracted." Throughout the year, I have keenly felt the slow subtraction, as everything I have collected in my personal and professional life starts to go away bit by bit. My career trajectory slows, friends and loved ones move away/pass away and overall it just feels like more is going out than is coming in. The near loss of some very close friends to cancer causes me to hate cancer even more than I ever did (which was A LOT). FUCK CANCER.

I'm glad that what remains is (usually) what was most important, and the process ends up being (mostly) the stripping away of the superficial to reveal the truth within. The truth about myself, my environment, my choices and those of the people around me. I have (and spend) less time on bullshit and feel more focused on what matters to me. I don't have many regrets in my life and there is not much I would choose to do differently even if given the chance. However, the recent sudden loss of my beloved pug XieXie at 13 years old is still painful and maybe always will be. She showed me so much and inspired me to learn to love unconditionally like she did. I still have a long way to go and healing takes time.

Illinois Children's Home and Aid Society on Dearborn Street in Chicago, where I got put in transition to foster care back in 1967, feels a long way from Yokohama, Japan where I am now. I've been fortunate to have had a wonderful adventure, with all the ups and downs it has included, and I am overflowing with gratitude.

Hopefully, I'll have a few more posts like these before my time comes. When it does, I want to pass like XieXie did: at home, surrounded by my loved ones, wanting for nothing, knowing that my life meant something, feeling like I did my best.

Until then, thank you for sticking with me.  See you on the mats.

Love and Peace.