Validation

 

Every human being has an innate need to be praised. Whether at work or at home or at the dojo, we all want those above us and around us to recognize our efforts and reassure us that we are doing the right things and doing well. We want to exceed expectations and overachieve our KPIs. We want to be promoted and make progress in our journeys, ascending to the next levels of our respective pyramids.

In our martial arts journeys, we grow as we rise through the ranks from belt to belt with our brothers and sisters, earning the respect of our peers as we (hopefully) pass each rank test and develop ourselves. We ultimately test for our red shirt (assistant instructor) and finally, our black shirt/black belt and join the heroes as a Guro (instructor). Hopefully this adds a new perspective as we share the responsibility for the subsequent generations of students we train.

For many of us, the need to move from milestone to milestone is a central aspect of our goal setting and goal achievement, not just in martial arts but in life. We seek quantifiable metrics to measure our success and expect to "keep doing more" at each subsequent stage as we build ourselves up in our careers and personal lives. Of course, advertising and media (social media) exploit this gamefication by appealing to the desperate need many of us have for MORE. We are enticed by more and bigger numbers for things like our job titles/number of staff in our orgs, bigger sales targets and achievements, more business travel miles, even annual overtime hours worked (sadly). 

We care about the numbers of our bank balance, the square footage of our house, the value of our investments, the grades of our children. We care about the hopefully decreasing score of our golf game or the hopefully increasing numbers of our kid's test scores... the numbers, and the validation associated with them, can be strong motivators for us. In the gym, we compare times on our runs or talk about how much weight we can lift or how many reps we can do. Crossfit is so popular partly because we can post about it on social media to make our audience see how good we are. We crave the validation and status that come from being considered "elite" or "platinum" or "diamond". Some people cannot resist putting capital letter abbreviations after their name on their business cards like MBA, CPA, CFA, etcetera. There is nothing wrong with celebrating our achievements, of course, unless we begin to obsess over them. I even know a few people who cannot resist posting photos from the first class lounge whenever they fly. They must really need to feel the envy of others.

Although we are aware of it, we seldom discuss the intangible or qualitative aspects of performance or improvement. The connection with a key client over a handshake, the development or recovery of an important business relationship, the trust of our colleagues and co-workers, the precious moments with our families, the video call to our parents, the taste of a home-cooked meal, the comfort of our own bed. Good sportsmanship is noticed and appreciated, but never to the same degree as the final scores themselves. In the dojo, we prepare for tests but rarely acknowledge the good progress we make from week to week, or reward ourselves for the diligence of our commitment. Attendance usually goes up just before selection and into the test review.

This year my teacher, Grandmaster Fred Evrard, died.

After several years of incredible bravery, he finally succumbed to cancer. He was a warrior, a Peaceful Warrior, in every sense of the word. There can never be a replacement for who he was or what he meant to me, since he and Kali Majapahit's co-founder, Guro Lila, are the main reasons why I ended up becoming a martial arts instructor. He personally tested me for all my teacher ranks, assistant instructor through 3rd degree black belt senior instructor, and I accept his judgement of my skills at each level.

Although in recent years, I didn't get to see him as much as before, I continued to learn so much from him through what he shared with me not just about martial arts but about philosophy and spirituality. His books were windows into the mind of someone who had dedicated every day of his life to The Path. They are treasures to me, and his life was a blessing. It's a devastating loss not just for me but for all of us. The world was far brighter with his light.

So what now?

Knowing he can never test me again means that I must of course accept the possibility that I will never again test for a higher black belt rank in Kali Majapahit. I'm OK with that.

For some people, taking away the goal (for me the next test would be 4th degree black belt) would weaken their motivation. They might seek another master or another system wherein they could be fed techniques and information and continue to be tested periodically. This validation would comfort them and help them stay focused on the next goal and the next after that. Some have already done that.

In my case, I don't feel a need to prove myself beyond what I have already done in Kali Majapahit. After 16 years, I feel I have achieved some limited understanding of what my teachers intended for me in this system, at least enough to continue my exploration without the need to be spoon-fed by anyone. I still love to learn and am grateful to be part of a community with so many advanced practitioners with whom to share and grow together. I am, and will continue to be, loyal to Kali Majapahit and our leadership for the trust they have placed in me to operate our group in Japan for the past 13 years and counting. The platform of Kali Majapahit is more than enough for me to continue my journey and keep giving back my research and findings to the group. I intend to continue teaching and carry on GM Fred's legacy as an honor to him for what this system has brought me. I think I would do so even if shipwrecked alone on a desert island.

The respect of my peers does indeed matter to me, and I think I have it. I don't feel any need to be called "Master" or have more stripes on my belt or anything like that. We have a wonderful global KM community at all levels, and I love seeing everyone and spending time training together now that COVID is over. I'm also grateful for the collaboration I have found with other schools and systems, sharing and learning together as part of our mutual journeys. Tested or not, I am learning and growing constantly, and that's what matters, right?

On the mats, as in life, I will continue to do my best - just as Guro Fred would have wanted.