Running Away

 

(thanks for the inspiration RLH)

I love a good conversation more than just about anything. If you know me, you know I'm not much for small talk. I like to ask questions, sometimes hard questions, and discuss the answers. I don't mind being asked hard questions, either. I'm curious about just about everything, and at 58 I realize how little I actually know. I want to know more. Facts are fun, of course, but I really want to know more about people - their hopes, dreams, motivations, fears, desires and aspirations. I want to understand what makes us human.

This question started with the premise that my conversation partner would be honest in their answer. They would give the question the consideration it deserves and respond thoughtfully. I hoped it would open the door to much deeper conversation. It did.

The question was "What are you running away from?"

I asked it because I believe we are all running away from something, whether we acknowledge that or not. We all have something we dread or dislike, something we did or know we must do, something we fear or loathe or regret. We are all running away from something. Running away from our past or our future. Some of us never stop running. 

After a reflective pause, the answer came. "I'm running away from my self-doubt.", he said. "I'm running away from the feeling that I'm not as good as those around me. They know it and they make me feel bad about it. It erodes my self-confidence every time I think about it or am reminded of it. I don't want to think about it but I'm forced to face it every day."

Gut punch.

"That's me, too." , I replied. I grew up underweight, with ADHD, a lazy eye and a mop of unruly hair; Thick, broken glasses held together with masking tape, bad at everything. An outcast. Bullied at school relentlessly for more than 10 years. Unable to afford a top-tier education and yet competing with the best in the world in places like JP Morgan and Microsoft. I have spent most of my life feeling like an imposter, and being reminded of it almost every single day. Married to a beautiful woman who manages to find a reason to love me even when I cannot love myself. Father to boys who are already far greater than I could ever be. Even in martial arts, surrounded by some of the best in the world, wondering how any of them could think I belong among them, questioning why they would ever accept someone like me as one of their own. Every day feeling like I am living on borrowed time and waiting for the bill to come. They say you should "fake it till you make it", but what if you never actually do "make it"? Can you fake it forever??

As the conversation went on it became clear that, although he often felt like he wasn't good enough, and constantly wanted to escape being made to feel that way,  he didn't give up. Day after day he managed to do the work, the painstaking, hard work of showing up for himself every day and putting in the effort it took to keep making progress. Never giving up. Never running away even though every fiber of his body screamed for him to do so. Quietly gritting his teeth and bearing the pain.

He has wisdom. Maturity. Resilience. Patience. These are very hard to measure but they are the measure of a man. Maybe the only true test of bravery we have is whether or not we can feel fear and stand fast.  Whether or not we can resist the overwhelming urge to run away from the things that trouble us. Bravery is facing your fear. Bravery is wanting to run away, but standing strong regardless. Doing what must be done even when you are unsure of the outcome. 

I learned so much about him that day. I think I also learned a lot about myself. It was the conversation I hoped it would be.

How about you? What are you running from?

What baking bread can teach us about martial arts

 

Like many people, baking bread was one of the hobbies I picked up during COVID. I’ve written about cooking before, especially the fact that recipes are more like guidelines than rules and that they need to be adjusted based on the circumstances.

As I started my baking journey, I began with a vision of how I wanted to be - happily enjoying my home-baked bread with a sense of satisfaction, gifting my bread to envious friends and colleagues.

Along the way, my vision changed. I practiced weekly, and it became more about learning every aspect and variable rather than showing off the results. I read dozens of recipes and watched dozens of videos. I took classes and listened to experts, gathering tips and best practices. Over time, the movements became second nature - deliberate but relaxed and easy. No stress. No shortcuts. Honest. I spent about 2 years working just on baguettes - I’m sure I baked more than a hundred loaves. After I got more confident, I stopped looking up the recipe beforehand because I knew it by heart. Eventually, I tried a few other shapes and loaves. Each one gave me new insights and perspectives. 

In the end, the journey was wonderful. I discovered joy in the routine and looked forward to each weekend’s tests. I never worried much about the mistakes. There were many but I ate them anyway and tried to learn from them.

I’m the baker I was meant to be. Not a master but comfortable and confident in what I make. It won’t win any gold medals, but my bread is just right for we who eat it. My family and friends think it’s some amazing talent but I know the truth - it was consistent focused practice that developed this skill. I wasn’t born with it. I learned it. Anyone else could, too.

Hopefully this story reminds of you of life in the martial arts. The joy of discovery and accomplishment. The personalization and ownership. The value of good, honest practice and repetition in your training. The importance of good instruction and using lots of different training tools. The satisfaction of progress. The comfort of going at your own pace and setting your own expectations. 

I think I’ll always be a baker. Just like I’ll always be a martial artist. They are no longer things I do. They’re part of who I am.

See you at class.