Running Away

 

(thanks for the inspiration RLH)

I love a good conversation more than just about anything. If you know me, you know I'm not much for small talk. I like to ask questions, sometimes hard questions, and discuss the answers. I don't mind being asked hard questions, either. I'm curious about just about everything, and at 58 I realize how little I actually know. I want to know more. Facts are fun, of course, but I really want to know more about people - their hopes, dreams, motivations, fears, desires and aspirations. I want to understand what makes us human.

This question started with the premise that my conversation partner would be honest in their answer. They would give the question the consideration it deserves and respond thoughtfully. I hoped it would open the door to much deeper conversation. It did.

The question was "What are you running away from?"

I asked it because I believe we are all running away from something, whether we acknowledge that or not. We all have something we dread or dislike, something we did or know we must do, something we fear or loathe or regret. We are all running away from something. Running away from our past or our future. Some of us never stop running. 

After a reflective pause, the answer came. "I'm running away from my self-doubt.", he said. "I'm running away from the feeling that I'm not as good as those around me. They know it and they make me feel bad about it. It erodes my self-confidence every time I think about it or am reminded of it. I don't want to think about it but I'm forced to face it every day."

Gut punch.

"That's me, too." , I replied. I grew up underweight, with ADHD, a lazy eye and a mop of unruly hair; Thick, broken glasses held together with masking tape, bad at everything. An outcast. Bullied at school relentlessly for more than 10 years. Unable to afford a top-tier education and yet competing with the best in the world in places like JP Morgan and Microsoft. I have spent most of my life feeling like an imposter, and being reminded of it almost every single day. Married to a beautiful woman who manages to find a reason to love me even when I cannot love myself. Father to boys who are already far greater than I could ever be. Even in martial arts, surrounded by some of the best in the world, wondering how any of them could think I belong among them, questioning why they would ever accept someone like me as one of their own. Every day feeling like I am living on borrowed time and waiting for the bill to come. They say you should "fake it till you make it", but what if you never actually do "make it"? Can you fake it forever??

As the conversation went on it became clear that, although he often felt like he wasn't good enough, and constantly wanted to escape being made to feel that way,  he didn't give up. Day after day he managed to do the work, the painstaking, hard work of showing up for himself every day and putting in the effort it took to keep making progress. Never giving up. Never running away even though every fiber of his body screamed for him to do so. Quietly gritting his teeth and bearing the pain.

He has wisdom. Maturity. Resilience. Patience. These are very hard to measure but they are the measure of a man. Maybe the only true test of bravery we have is whether or not we can feel fear and stand fast.  Whether or not we can resist the overwhelming urge to run away from the things that trouble us. Bravery is facing your fear. Bravery is wanting to run away, but standing strong regardless. Doing what must be done even when you are unsure of the outcome. 

I learned so much about him that day. I think I also learned a lot about myself. It was the conversation I hoped it would be.

How about you? What are you running from?

What baking bread can teach us about martial arts

 

Like many people, baking bread was one of the hobbies I picked up during COVID. I’ve written about cooking before, especially the fact that recipes are more like guidelines than rules and that they need to be adjusted based on the circumstances.

As I started my baking journey, I began with a vision of how I wanted to be - happily enjoying my home-baked bread with a sense of satisfaction, gifting my bread to envious friends and colleagues.

Along the way, my vision changed. I practiced weekly, and it became more about learning every aspect and variable rather than showing off the results. I read dozens of recipes and watched dozens of videos. I took classes and listened to experts, gathering tips and best practices. Over time, the movements became second nature - deliberate but relaxed and easy. No stress. No shortcuts. Honest. I spent about 2 years working just on baguettes - I’m sure I baked more than a hundred loaves. After I got more confident, I stopped looking up the recipe beforehand because I knew it by heart. Eventually, I tried a few other shapes and loaves. Each one gave me new insights and perspectives. 

In the end, the journey was wonderful. I discovered joy in the routine and looked forward to each weekend’s tests. I never worried much about the mistakes. There were many but I ate them anyway and tried to learn from them.

I’m the baker I was meant to be. Not a master but comfortable and confident in what I make. It won’t win any gold medals, but my bread is just right for we who eat it. My family and friends think it’s some amazing talent but I know the truth - it was consistent focused practice that developed this skill. I wasn’t born with it. I learned it. Anyone else could, too.

Hopefully this story reminds of you of life in the martial arts. The joy of discovery and accomplishment. The personalization and ownership. The value of good, honest practice and repetition in your training. The importance of good instruction and using lots of different training tools. The satisfaction of progress. The comfort of going at your own pace and setting your own expectations. 

I think I’ll always be a baker. Just like I’ll always be a martial artist. They are no longer things I do. They’re part of who I am.

See you at class. 

Accidentally on Purpose

 

We have a few WhatsApp groups dedicated to sharing among the Kali Majapahit group leaders, black belt instructors and students worldwide. Recently, our group called "Beyond Martial Arts - The Health Journey" began a new twist courtesy of Guro David in Finland (he is the source of many good ideas). Various instructors would each own the group and provide content for 1-2 weeks after which they would then nominate the next leader and pass the baton. As expected, eventually my turn came around.

I was nervous since the prior instructors were able to deliver very insightful, impactful content including mind, body and spiritual alignment. I was struck (and still am) by the depth and breadth of knowledge among Kali Majapahit instructors. Their insights are amazing and they are truly an elite martial arts organization. Often, I have to pinch myself and wonder whether or not I am truly worthy to be part of the team. Imposter syndrome is real.

For my 7 days I presented some fundamentals of zen, which has been a cornerstone of my practice and my life since my first introduction to it in my original dojo at 14 years old. After a few years of study in my original school,  I began attending the weekly Zazen (seated meditations) classes at the Japan Cultural Center on Belmont in downtown Chicago. An hour lecture followed by an hour sitting practice, usually followed by breakfast nearby at Ann Sather, (I highly recommend you to get the Swedish pancakes with lingonberries - you're welcome). Later on, I continued my research and study led by PG Fred Evrard, whose knowledge of the esoterism in general and Tibetan Buddhism in particular was exceptional.

I wanted to focus on core zen teachings, which are truly non-sectarian. You can incorporate the essence of zen into any religious or spiritual practice to enhance it and develop a richer and deeper appreciation and feeling of gratitude. Used properly, zen allows us to truly examine our lives in a state of mindfulness, discovering more meaning and purpose in how we live every day. The practice is difficult, but I think the insight is worth it.

My sessions have a short explanation of an aspect of Zen together with a meditation exercise to try at home. I really hope it was able to help participants sharpen their meditation skills and reconnect with the important practice of seeking stillness in the hectic modern world.  It was a pleasure to record the videos with my son Ray and they were basically all done on the first take. I'm happy with them even though there may be a few mistakes (done is better than perfect).

Recording these sessions had me consider very deeply the idea of "purposefulness" which is a very important foundation of zen practice. By examining our thoughts and actions closely, we seek to align them to have a greater sense of deliberation in how we live every day. This sense of purposefulness empowers us and helps us feel that our actions are more meaningful, since if we choose what we do our actions are more connected to our missions and goals rather than just being occurrences of random happenstance or coincidence.

I began to realize that for most people, there is no great, overarching plan to their lives. Apart from the big milestones of graduating from school, getting a job and finding a partner, most of us give surprisingly little thought to how we spend our time. Very often, our routines are dictated by others (boss/family/friends) and are managed on a daily/weekly granularity that makes it difficult to plan years and decades in advance for who we want to be and how we want to live. Humans are creatures of habit and inertia, and as such we repeat the patterns as days and weeks become years. As the clock ticks and the calendar turns, it becomes increasingly difficult to have the will to change. In latter life, change is inevitably thrust upon us as those around us begin to age and die, and ultimately, so do we. Caught up in the lives of our children, we may forget to drive change and develop purposefulness in our own lives, too.

Zen offered me a way to organize my thinking about how I wanted to live and what was important to me. I know Guro Fred would remind me that those things were meant to happen anyway (Karma), but I think being aware of them and trying to choose how I use my time and my life has made a big difference in making sure I find time for the things that really matter to me. As such, at 58, I have little regret and I think I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, in accordance with my beliefs and needs.

I hope you will not live your life by accident, but rather take the time and do the work required to develop the awareness or your journey as it is happening day by day. I hope your life will become "accidentally on purpose" and you are able to enjoy both the spontaneous and the planned, moment by moment, so that at the end you will feel that the effort and struggle was really worth it, grateful for the memories of a life well-lived. Zen can be a good tool to help you appreciate each moment, and to find a much deeper sense of purpose and value in the divine gift your life is. Savor the moments.

See you at class.